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Thursday, 20 November 2008 ~

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GUSSET GRIDLOCK

Secret filming
New Traffic Calming Measures are being tested in Bridport. The new C.A.R. (Cabbie Ass Restrictions) implementation is now in place.
A Department of Transport traffic calming experiment has begun this week in Bridport Town, Bigwigs and Boffins from the D.O.T. were seen putting the final implementation in place for the 6 week trial involving local mini cab drivers from firms such as Pat Scabs, Abacabs, Alchocabs and the other one.

Crack

Narrowing
Mini cab drivers were being used as human bollards in the on-going experiment involving all of the towns professional band of expert drivers. They were asked to stand in the middle of the street at all times of the day and stick their asses out into passing traffic causing drivers of vehicles other than Hackney Carriages to swerve or slam on the brakes at the sight of a crack in the road.

Completely Unaware
“Its amazing” said the Boffin from the department of Transport, “They don’t even realize they (the mini cab folk) are participating in the largest experiment of it’s kind in the West Country. So far the results have been encouraging, vehicle speeds in the area have reduced to a near standstill, those cracks would make any man stamp hard-on the middle pedal, we tried it and it works.”

WHAT IS TRAFFIC CALMING?
Traffic Calming is a way to minimise the negative impacts of traffic to improve safety- Traffic calming can be accomplished by installing road humps, speed, cushions, raised junction plateaux, chicanes, road narrowing and mini-roundabouts.

Alternatives

Drawback
However here are some drawbacks to the CAR Sceme, the number of swerve related head on collisions has increased fifty fold.

Advantage

Swerve

WJ Oxenby has been inundated with front end repair work (every cloud eh! )

Cabbie Spokesperson
A cabbie was asked whether or not the scheme was working? “Where to my lover” said the cabbie.

Tell us your swerve story
Have you had to swerve past a cabbie crack outside Scummerfields?
Do you think it is a good idea?
Do you know where Scummerfields is?

This is Scoop Doggy Style with another trendsetting piece of ass news.

Users' Comments (23)

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Posted by Rosieo6, on 13-06-2007 22:48,

As the person in the swerve picture(taking photo)seems to be driving, did they need a trip to oxenburys or were they in a traffic jam? Yes had to swerve numerous times when cabbie is chatting to his fellow workers and I NEVER let them out if I'm passing(even if they indicate)

Posted by Carlito, on 14-06-2007 07:48,

Interesting piece! (of ass!) In my experience, it isn't the style of traffic calming that shockingly defies all forms of logic, but the underlying theory behind it. Who or what designed that insane piece of traffic calming leading up to the new Medical Centre? Priority to traffic LEAVING the town? Which hideous concoction of mind bending substances caused that decision to be made eh?! Who uses West Road to leave the town? There's nothing more to the west of Bridport than a long stretch of desolation followed by Cornwall! URGGHH! If the aim was to make pulling out of the Medical Centre a little less hairy for all those near-death elderlies in their Fiesta Zetecs and Kas then perhaps a cattle grid would have done a much better job. A cattle grid keeps drivers on the correct side of the road (thus avoiding the obvious traffic calming dings), and slows everyone down who doesn't drive farming machinery. The only danger facing the G reg VW Polo with Mr and Mrs Biggins within would the danger of being impaled by a tractor carrying hay. Incidentally, I invite anyone living in one of those mock/cottages opposite the new medical centre to write in to BR with an estimate of how much the value of their property has slumped...he he!

Posted by Rustic, on 14-06-2007 10:50,

On the odd occasion when I am desperate enough to go down to the Scummers end of town I am always amazed at the number of fat arsed taxi drivers there are and what it is they find so interesting about their miserable dull lives that they feel the need to share it with other like minded plebs. Lets face it when you go the the carreers officer at school I doubt if it is ever at the top of anyones list of things I really want to be ""cab driver"". OK so I may be being a bit harsh and if you fall on bad times you may need to do some ""cabbing"" and bore all your punters to death with your hard luck story to help make ends meet but how does the converstion go between the bulging buttocked brash bores of the taxi community outsidde the big Scum? ""Oi mate just did a fare up to Skillin"" ""Oh yeah I went there once"" "" I did a fare last week all the way to bradpole"" ""Oh yeah I heard that someone had, I thought it was John"" ""Nah it was me"" ""Oh Yeah"" ""Oi mate hear about Tom?"" ""Nah"" ""Got a puncture up North Allington"" ""Naaaah"" ""Yeah"" ""Cor thats tough, I had a fare up there once"" ""Naah"" ""Yeah gave me 50p tip an all"" ""Naah"" ""Yeah"" and so on and so on. Next time you are down that way don't swerve to avoid swerve to collide and when the fat arsed dope starts complaing say you thought it was a new roundabout. Better still.... Bat!!! your services are required.

Posted by goccibos, on 14-06-2007 15:47,

Is this a replacement for the ""I can do U turns at dangerous points in the road"" scheme that was running for a number of years? I think it replaced the ""park on dangerous junctions blocking traffic"" that was very popular with cabbies together with the ""pull out without looking outside Scummers"" which is an old favorite. Top tip; there is sometimes a bloke down at Morriscums that can mend cracks!

Posted by shagsack, on 14-06-2007 18:21,

MOW THEM DOWN!! MOW SOME SENSE INTO EM!!!

Posted by Rosieo6, on 17-06-2007 10:36,

Had to stop on edge of bus stop(child related)outside frosts and was glared at by a taxi driver as forgot that their priviledge(did appropriate hand signals and went!)

Posted by Rustic, on 18-06-2007 12:53,

Rosie, Oh Rosie, Anyone would and should glare and stare and give you the ""hairy eyeball"" if you pull into the bus stop. It odesn't matter if it was a kid related incident, unless of course you had one stuck under your front wheel arch, There is no excuse and should attract a zero tolerence from passers by. To give your own example of how far you have fallen into bad practices, even, yes ""EVEN"" a cab driver thought it bad enough to give you some eyeball grief. I think they should fit First busses with bloody great buldozery things on the front and then would with impunity be allowed to barge anything and any one out of the way if they were parked in a bus stop. There may well be ""a whole lot of Rosie"" but don't join the oiks and cash point cripples by using bus stops for anything else other than catching a bus. (love and peace as always)

Posted by Carlito, on 18-06-2007 13:02,

Death Race 2000! Bridport needs a new manifesto! For every pedestrian OAP you relieve of their misery, you get £10 off your council tax for that year. The £10 gets added to the council tax of 2nd home owners. Rules are: 1. Must be a clean hit. 2. Must not endanger other pedestrains. 3. Must be death. 4. Any crippled OAPs need to be reversed over to finish them off. Failure to do so will disqualify you from the system. GAME ON!

Posted by shagsack, on 18-06-2007 19:48,

hey Rosie, next time just pull up into the actual taxi rank... whatever the occasion--shopping at scummers for half an hour, or taking in the sights from the heritage bus route for the day. Stuff them! they pull out like they own the road, very,very rarely indicate, park in disabled spaces when picking up (co-op esp) ...and they deserve some backlash. The other rank's my favourite though, for popping into choices, bank, woolys,etc -i ALWAYS make a point of parking there. Feels great! Rustic's just winding you up there i rekon, -he knows bus drivers are just as bad ...(almost)

Posted by shagsack, on 18-06-2007 20:45,

...and Carlito, yes!! they OAPs need taking out too According to the Crime updates, the number of incidents of Gran-Theft-Auto are scarily on the rise! ...only kidding. (we should load em up with explosives and rough cyder, and then send them off in a taxi! --to Chard!! ...3 Birds eh? MARVELLOUS!!

Posted by Gull Munchin Polecat, on 19-06-2007 09:15,

I think they should fit cars with dirty great big Buldozer size shovels on the front in order to barge buses out of the way....

Posted by Rosieo6, on 19-06-2007 19:13,

I feel totally justified Rustic as today,along with the chaos of traffic lights, roadworks, a TAXI DRIVER held up the traffic both ways as he HAD to get into the rank NOW and as down flow could not move until up town had passed no-one went anywhere for ten mins! Thanks shagsack,It is sooo satisfiying to annoy them.Apologies if you are one Rustic.(loving thoughts)

Posted by The Bat, on 19-06-2007 21:56,

I don't know why you people are picking on the cab drivers of the Bridport. They are a very welcome section of the Bridport travel infrastructure which we would miss if they were not there. Many times I have stepped into a cab outside Somorfield and been entertained by witty conversation while travelling confortably towards my chosen destination. These cabbie drivers are to be commended for the service they provise to the good folk of Bridders, not criticised by local 'near do wells' and short sighted individuals. They deserve a medal for putting up the rubbish written in this thread. P.S. I am barking mad.

Posted by shagsack, on 19-06-2007 22:43,

They really are a menace!! Half past 7 this morning, driving through town, reached scummers -slowing for the roadworks and guess what??? A (silver minibus-style) taxi driver (if you can call them 'drivers') does his usual pull-out-then-signal manouvre -but i was alongside him. Beeping my horn to let him know i was there,--and then not letting him cut me up' --and he gets all shirty and drives right up my bum. Naturally i slows down to 10mph, and he starts giving me mental gestures in the mirror. Blew im a kiss and went up north allington. -Wouldnt mind but i only drove thru town ONCE today!

Posted by Rosieo6, on 19-06-2007 23:12,

Taxi drivers are great at nite but not so good in day. On the odd occassions(daytime) I have used them I was uncomfortable for 2 reasons:-1/The front seat was always angled so far back that I felt VERY vunerable(laid back)2/Sitting in the back felt like being in a police car and unsure of what would happen to me!(yes I have received psychiatric(?)help in past)

Posted by Rustic, on 20-06-2007 05:44,

I like shagsacks idea of parking in the rank, I have done it up on east street a few times and was actually harrased once by one of the parking wardens who said ""you cant park here mate its for taxis only"" I said "" I know, where do you wanna go guv"" completely threw him for a bit. I was going to push it further by getting out of the car and making a scene by making out someone had nicked the taxi sign off the roof of the car. Is there any written enforcable law about not parking in taxi ranks because if not ""Way Hay"" its open season. Better still just get a plastic taxi sign, pull up on the rank, jump out do the shopping and then drive off, who knows you may even get a fare to the station which will pay for the shopping. Sorted!

Posted by The Bat, on 22-06-2007 07:48,

One of the council traffic wardens told me that any motorist can park their car in a taxi rank fo half an hour. These bloody cabbies take the biscuit moaning about people parking in their taxi ranks. They become suspiciously quiet when they park in the bus stop outside Frost's. Buses have to stop away from the kerb which raises the height of the step for elderly people. Has anyone noticed that window that jutts out of the upper floor of Scummers? One well placed man in this window could sort out these taxi drivers (if that's what they REALLY are) overnight. After the first half dozen fatalities it wouldn't be necessary to shoot to the chest, just a few quick maimings and screaming cabbies running up West Street to keep them on their toes. I went into the job centre the other day and said I wanted a job where I could sit on my arse all day and talk cr*p. They said I had a choice of being a taxi driver or working on the checkouts at Scummers. I think the checkout would be best as I wouldn't even have to move my legs. Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse. Stay out of the belltower and stop messing around with flowers in Bucky Doo, .... (you know who you are).

Posted by Denzlepob_at_work, on 24-06-2007 17:03,

Why are you interested in the window Mr Bat? Surely you can whack them from the clocktower? Or are you losing it?

Posted by Denzlepob_at_work, on 27-06-2007 21:01,

Is Carlito and The Bat the same person, like Ed Norton was on Fight Club?

Posted by shagsack, on 28-06-2007 09:37,

oooh this is cosy isnt it... Looks as though Clito and tozo are locked in a bitch-fight to the end -(of time) ...right, so, er BattyBoy, ---You could'nt shoot a swan in Abbotsbury -with a machine gun! ---in fact Yo Momma can shoot straighter than you!! ---and your tights smell of Hamster doings ---and you're scared of moths, puff!

Posted by denzlepob, on 08-07-2007 19:10,

Call me when you are back home in the tower.

Posted by goccibos, on 29-08-2008 09:29,

Anyone see the letter in the News from the moaning cabbie about getting stuck at the Town Hall lights? How I laughed. Then they suggest they can solve traffic congestion by?....probably banning all cars(except Taxi's)and pedestrians from the town.

I think the lights have sensors to pick up Taxi's and keep them on hold. PS taxi people the Town Council are NOT responsible for the highways it's the County Council duhh.

And £5.50 for an hours work and you moan, now you know what it's like for the rest of the really hard working people of Bridders.

Posted by Carlito, on 29-08-2008 12:18,

Taxi!

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