Having been watching with close interest at the escapades of Bridport Radio members throughout this site, I thought it vastly appropriate to offer my services as a “Doctor of the broken mind” …an Agony Uncle if-you-will.
I was born in Germany in 1928 where I was raised by my uncle, Dr Helmut von Gross-man Malicious. He specialised in the recycling of dead human skin for the purposes of sporting equipment. One of his most well known breakthroughs was the use of human elbow skin for the covering of early squash balls. It was thought to be harder-wearing than any other naturally forming material on earth.
When he was arrested in 1953, I moved to England and became obsessed with the place. I developed a hatred for humanity whilst staying with distant relatives in a place known as the black-country. Since then my only relief from these seething misanthropy is to help and assist where possible. A paradox, if ever there was one. But one you will come to understand with my guidance!
May I invite you all to come to me with social quandaries, personal issues, moral dilemmas and even the occasional health problem or two and I will do my best to advise you in a clear, concise and proper manner.
I look forward to hearing from you…THE DOCTOR IS IN.
Dear Dr Malicious I find my blood pressure rising when I read claptrap like ""Town has become Notting Hill-on-Sea"" What do you recommend I do? Yours faithfully Kevin, Skilling
Posted by Dr. Malicious, on 12-04-2007 14:23,
Dearest Kevin I am surprised that you are able to read, considering your location, but having mastered that particular skill, why don’t you dig yourself out of the poverty bracket and get a job? It is common knowledge that dirty scrubbers like you are destined for an early grave. Look at the average life-expectancy of a Scotsman for reference. My advice is, eat less angina-butties and Cardiac-Arrest-Mc-Muffins; get a job (you lazy waste of space), and try an exercise more than just your fingertips. Spending 16 waking hours in front of your giant plasma screen poorly fastened to the damp wall of your free-loading Magna house, is not going to keep you fit really is it? Blood pressure still rising? Relieve some pressure and cut an artery or two. NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by Forest Moon-Monkey-Jones, on 12-04-2007 14:24,
Dear Dr. Malicious My son, wife and I have been living in sustainable straw bail hut powered entirely by solar energy and living off our own home-grown vegetables. We have been there for 5 years, but now we are being evicted from the space so that a developer can built pretty country cottages. We will have nowhere to go and my son suffers from chronic asthma. I fear moving to an urban area may cripple him. Thanks in advance for your understanding in this matter. Yours faithfully Forest Moon-Monkey-Jones, The Paddock, Monkton Wylde
Posted by Dr. Malicious, on 12-04-2007 14:26,
Dearest Forest Put yourself in the shoes of the developers. Your stinking compost-surrounded methane-powered stink hole of hut is a blot on an otherwise idyllic country landscape. My advice to you is to strap your “asthmatic” (or should I say, BONE-IDLE) son to your compost toilet and place him in the path of any digging machinery. With any luck he will be literally crippled by on over-zealous JCB driver, thus negating your argument about moving to an area where PEOPLE LIVE. Oh and whilst you’re at it, read a book called the “Sceptical Environmentalist”. You’re pointless efforts have slowed the effect of global warming down by a 500th of a second, but I bet you’ve had fun patting yourself on the back over it, you selfish stinky tree hugger. NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by goccibos, on 13-04-2007 10:16,
Dear Dr When driving I can't stop driving aggressively at people with Christian fish symbols stuck to the back of their cars...can you help? I'm worried about killing myself not them! Goccibos turn the lights down, where's my cider? ------------------------------
--------------- Doctor Malicious says... Dearest Goccibos In short, YOU MUST stop driving aggressively at them. I have found that these born again Christians (who are so proud of their puny beliefs that they advertise the fact on their sensible, reasonably new cars), actually thrive on confrontation. Rear-ending a 52 plate ford fiesta is playing straight into their sick sweaty little palms. The best thing to do is follow them to the nearest supermarket carpark, tear a page out of Charles Darwin's epic The Origin of Species and place it under their windscreen wiper. This kind of war needs to be waged on their level. IRRITATING. NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by Carlito, on 13-04-2007 10:19,
Dear Dr. Malicious I feel I am slipping into an inferiority complex. Your abuse is first rate, and puts mine in shame! How am I to overcome the low self-esteem? Carlito --------------------- Dearest Carlito The best cure for low self-esteem is to find yourself a whore. I believe they are mainly found at the Royal Oak, and will perform all kinds of debaucherous acts for the small price of a few alchoholic beverages. Better still, practice verbal abuse in your local church. You will find that barking profanities from the centre of an eager congregation will give you the greatest of confidence and at the same time allow you to experiment with a direct back lash. Don't come to me for help, when you're fatally wounded by an uncomfortably inserted crucifix though... NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by Jam Mistress, on 13-04-2007 10:20,
Dear Dr. Malicious, Can you suggest a environmentally friendly, all natural alternative to a harsh detergent that will swiftly and effectively iradicate traces of dog urine & feaces from my floors? As much as I love my new puppies, the smell is a little pungent and my friends do not seem to visit me anymore. Every other 'off the shelf' product seems to be rather mediocre in result so I'm sure I must be missing a nifty little trick with lemon juice or something, somewhere. Looking forward to your advice Dr. Many thanks. ------------------------------
----- Dearest Jam Mistress I would suggest that your freinds don't visit you anymore because you don't actually have any. Any friends who would be put off by the arousing aroma of dog urine and excrement, are not freinds at all. Nevertheless...presuming you have two puppies, this is what I would suggest... Slaughter the weakest puppy with a breadknife and a colander, and fashion a mopping device using the puppy fur coat and a long pole (leaving the head intact). Now, rather than using the mopping device as a mop, repeatedly beat the remaining puppy with it should it decide to deficate in your house. Surely the sight of it's dismembered sibling tied to the end of a pole being swung at it's head will be enough to deter the beast from any further violations. I think you will find that this is tackling the problem at it's source, rather than covering up the issue with modern day cleaning products. NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by MCsanandreas, on 13-04-2007 16:09,
dear doctor,my problem is this:-i HATE my job.and most people that i meet.HATE them too.think i may HATE you too. do you think i need anger therapy? yours with HATE etc,etc,etc..........
Posted by Carlito, on 15-04-2007 18:27,
Dearest MCSanandreas It appears that your problem is entirely teenage angst-based. Years of self-abuse whilst glued to Buffy the Vampire Slayer has clearly warped your mind. Go and tidy your room and turn down that racket you call 'music'. NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by Sprockley, on 15-04-2007 18:31,
Dear Dr Malicious, I am highly destressed as my partners appendige is far too big for me to give him sufficient oral attention. We have attemptended everything to remedy this problem including him disclocating my jaw in an attempt to create more space! We are at an all time flacid low! Can you help? ------------------------------
------------ Dearest Sprockley Oral pleasure is nothing without a little dislocation. Perhaps I could persuade you to take part in my ""Boa Constrictor"" workshop that could benefit you greatly. I was reliably (if not personally) informed that a grown woman could quite easily devour a whole goat, let alone a cumbersome todger. An alternative is to whittle it down with the edge of a cat-tin lid. If you can't keep him still for long enough, the gangreen will cause his beast to shrivel quite dramatically! Anyway you dirty girl, perhaps a little practice outside of ""West 1"" may ""pay-off"" - if you can see where I'm going with this... NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by andy head, on 15-04-2007 23:20,
Dear Doctor, Whilst thoroughly supporting, indeed having helped to instigate, the local backlash against the trite nonsense of the re-branding of Bridport as Notting Hill on Sea, I can't help thinking that the ensuing publicity has done/is doing wonders for the value of my house. Should I feel guilty or just delighted like the smug little house agent who is quoted in most of the articles verbally rubbing his greasy mitts together? ------------------------------
------ Dearest Andy Head Why not simply take a leaf from Sprockley's book and stroll straight into Humberts to apply some serious ""Corporate Hospitality"". Then you can both have a Smug contest to determine just how smug you both are. The winner can be decided with an official ""greasy mitt"" detector. Alternatively you could donate your house to Realworld when his second home is finally burned to the ground, and his South Lambeth flat is forced to be sold for a pittence! NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by The Bat, on 15-04-2007 23:21,
Dear Doctor Malicious I have an obsessive compulsive disorder which I feel needs treatment. I find myself going through the same routine every day and I believe that if it is not followed perfectly 'something bad will happen'. My OCD routine is as follows: 1. polich gun barrel and clean out firing mechanism exactly seventy two times. 2. Place six bullets along the inner wall surrounding the bell tower and count them right to left four times. 3. Kiss each bullet before placing into the chamber (no tongues). 4. Sing the words 'Je suis Napoleon' to the tune of 'Turkey In The Straw' on the 5 string banjo (twice). I find that going through this routine every day up in my comfy belltower impinges on my ability to catch any local scagg heads / shoplifters in my telescopic sights. Yet not to do it feels so unnatural. Yours ThE bAT #------------------- Dearest The Bat Take a Vertigo Pill. This are available from the Royal Joke after midnight. Your obsession is clearly rooted at the belltower. Then I recommend a course in sustainable living at 5 penny farm. This will make you so bored that you will turn to sustainable means to slaughter your mentors. And once, my dear Bat, you have discovered the joys of grass-cuts, your sniper's rifle will become a thing of the past! NEXT! Dr Malicious
Posted by Chief Wigam, on 15-04-2007 23:22,
Dear Dr I was in West Bay last night and saw a family of 'northeners' walking along eating chips, all tatoos and 'chips arnt like home' please help ------------------------------
---- Dearest Chief Wigam I too have seen these ""Northerners"" in our midst and have wretched at their very presence! The next time you are polluted by them, approach the group carefully, they may be armed with extremely cheap cigarettes and dirty underwear. When within striking distance, vomit on to the alpha male, this will cause him to stir...and perhaps lashout. State that you are an educated person of the South, and that Newsnight makes you feel high. His rage will overcome him and he'll accidentally murder his children, causing him to spend the rest of his life rocking in the corner of cold cell, racked with neanderthal guilt. NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by Bentley, on 15-04-2007 23:23,
Dear Doctor, I drive a Vauxhall Corsa hot rod with loud exhaust, tinted windows and a mega boom thump thump sound system. I have noticed that when I am driving around the town playing mega techno acid beat at 95% volume and revving up in 1st and 2nd gear for the all important tyre squeels I am not getting the envious and admiring looks that I deserve. Can you help? ------------------------------
--> Dearest Ooaargh Take your ""car"" and drive it at 100MPH into Morrisons Petrol station at 3am in the morning. Skilling will get a marvelous fireworks display and we will all be one twat lighter for the pleasure. If suicide isn't your ""bag"" - whilst in your bedroom with one hand on your extremely small penis, and the other on your MC - Idot microphone, ask your Chav/Junkie girlfriend to take your ""beast"" for a spin - and be sure to Rohipnol her first. That'll sort the problem...if nothing will. NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by Chief Wigam, on 16-04-2007 10:14,
I feel I must say sorry if I have given the impression that all supermarket workers are 'avin a fag'. I only comment after seeing the said lady from my above post 'avin a fag' in what appeared to be a tea break. The vast majority of shop staff are happy friendly people.................except those who arnt........... I feel suitably chastised. (As you can see my spelling may also be a little off).
Posted by Sprockley, on 17-04-2007 21:55,
Dear Dr Maliciuos, Thank you for your advice with regards to male oral attention, its reasuring to know that i am getting advice from such an expert in it. If you could now give me details of your Boa Constrictor work shop perhaps I could revert to ""West One"" to practice my technique, or maybe you could give me a demonstration! Once again thanks for your expert tips! Kind regards Sprockley
Posted by goccibos, on 20-04-2007 17:48,
Dear Dr RE: comment 7 I followed your advice but got talking to some Christians as I was sticking a page from The origin of Species on their car and they turned out to be really nice people. They have lots of good ideas and they talk highly of a man called Jesus for hours. They have even invited me to a morning party in a ""church"" and gave me a free book. Apparently I'm saved, thank you Dr! HALLELUJAH turn on the lights, pass me some tea can you help? ------------------------------
----- Dearest Goccibos Get a taste for religion...lick a witch! NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by Rustic, on 23-04-2007 21:24,
Dr Malicious, I went to the Gusto market on Saturday and when I enquired at one of the stalls for a couple of quids worth of ""gusto"" they said they didn't have any. So i asked at all the other stalls, all three of them, and they didn't have any either. In fact, even when pressed and on one occasion held by the lapels and shaken, they couldn't even tell me what a gusto was. I think it is another name for the latin phrase ""poncy incomers idea"" Can you help clarify the situation. ps I have noticed that your recent replies have lost some of the malicious edge, you haven't been on the ""gusto"" by any chance.
Posted by tuzo, on 24-04-2007 17:36,
i am surprised you dont know what the word gusto means rustic? seeing as you seem to possess it in spade fulls yourself? and thank god for that.
Posted by Carlito, on 24-04-2007 22:08,
Dearest Rustic Cutting to the chase... for someone who is so against the Gusto Market, you have been spotted with the ultimate in Poncy Incomer fashion accessories. Yes! Hession is the new black! and the infamous ""Keep Food Local"" carrier bag has adorned your clamy mitts. Go on, admit it! But it isn't just the bag is it? Everything is dripping with the bad acidic flavour of the Incomer's-Stamp-Of-Approval. Featuring in the ""Incomer's guide to fitting in"" is a list of ""must be seen to buy"" items that should fill your bag. Item such as: a pound of bio-dynamic, holistically reared, rare-breed pig meat, marinated tastefully in yak-sperm and a hint of rosemary, two mis-shapen slurry-covered parsnips, a collection of over-priced green leaves in a bag inflated by a tuberculosis-ridden organic farm-worker, a bruised Cox's Orange Pippin, the whole lot topped by a suspicioulsy crispy copy of the Marshwood Vale Magazine - and all smelling faintly of patchouli oil. But then...hypocrisy isn't a new thing for you is it? Perhaps a journey into your Teenage Wasteland would reveal all? Oh - and Gusto is a guarana-based energy drink. If they're not selling it at this market, then we can have them on trades descriptions. RELEASE THE DOGS! NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by Rustic, on 24-04-2007 23:24,
Ah Dr thats more like it. Tuzo, I am aware that gusto could be described as enthusiasm, or hearty enjoyment, or even delight, however at the inaptly named gusto market all they sell is overpriced foodstuffs already mentioned by the dear Dr. I just don't get the connection.
Posted by tuzo, on 25-04-2007 12:49,
the connection is a little feeble...you are supposed to exhibit gusto whilst consuming? i got there late and noticed some white peruvian apricots lingering....but didnt feel the smallest trace of gusto.....
Posted by Carlito, on 25-04-2007 18:02,
I'd say it's more a case of some idiot confusing ""Gastro"" with ""Gusto"". I don't like the idea of have to exhibit Gusto whilst eating. Eating with Gusto would result in terrible indegestion wouldn't it?
Posted by Bentley, on 27-04-2007 12:34,
Dr Malicious, I was in scummers the other day and noticed this rather unatractive, large woman pushing a pram and dragging 4 snotty nosed brats around with her, in itself no crime, but she was wearing ""PINK LEGGINGS"". When I caught sight of them I felt the urge to vomit and only just made it to an old ladys tartan wheelie basket in time to dump my lunchtime 6 pints of red. Is this normal? Are Pink Leggings allowed on women over a certain size? ------------------------------
----------- Doctor Malicious says... Dearest Ooaargh There are two theories here: 1. Pink Leggings contain a mild hallucinogen that, when worn, release into the bloodstream of the wearer. This ""hit"" is enought to convince the wearer that they are a size 8 and look like Jessica Alba. 2. The huge amount of disgusting nicotine and prescription-drug-ridden LARD that these ""women"" carry around on their warped skeletons puts such a strain on their body's resources that the part of their brains that should register self-disgust and shame is rendered useless. My money's on the latter. My only criticism of your reaction is that perhaps you should have upturned the old-lady's wheelie basket on to the offending legging wearer, thus showering her in Vomit, Urine-soaked tissues, Lavender essence, forged pension Giros and a small and startled terrier called ""Jimmy"" - who, having been forgotten about for a couple of weeks, is very hungry and very irritable. Ahhh I can see it now. Pounds of useless flesh being gnawed at by a ravenous terrier whilst being beaten by an old lady...in the fresh fruit n' veg aisle. Poetry. NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by The Bat, on 29-04-2007 20:46,
It's allowing it long enough to mature that's usually the problem.
I was born in Germany in 1928 where I was raised by my uncle, Dr Helmut von Gross-man Malicious. He specialised in the recycling of dead human skin for the purposes of sporting equipment. One of his most well known breakthroughs was the use of human elbow skin for the covering of early squash balls. It was thought to be harder-wearing than any other naturally forming material on earth.
