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Friday, 29 August 2008 ~

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FOOD FIGHT!

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Naked Chef on Hughs Manor - That cheeky Mockney Jamie Oliver has incensed local TV celeb-chef Huge Fearnley Whittingstall by landing on Dorsets doorstep. He visited Denhay Farms and Bridfish Smokery in an attempt to curry favour with the natives. The visit was an attempt by the youthfull school dinner king to get Sainsbos produce buyers out from behind their Swedish office desks and out into the real world. Dorset was chosen as the epicurecentre of the U.K. for the buyers who had never ventured past Acton (Wess Larnden) Bridport resident Mr Bat said “As we ain’t got a Sainsbos in the area, I just don’t care.”

Essex versus Dorset
It’s obvious from the authentic images below that Dorset men could take out any geezer from Essex.

Men of Essex

Much harder Dorset Man

Witnesses at Denhay
At Denhay Farm the Sainsbos bods were shown real animals being milked and Hams drying in fresh airs, the buyers sampled Goat sausage and Homity Pie, other delicacies sampled included Washingpool Farms winter salad leaves, which is a salad made from winter salad leaves, Woolsery Goats cheese, Bridfishes Gravadlax (salmon fish) and bread from that new fangled trendgroovy bakery in Lymeregis The Town Mill Bakery.

Twizzler
The young upstart bandied his twizzlers around town in a whirlwind media frenzy stop, “ Was that Jamie Oliver?” said Carlito. Oliver kept his head down as he ran past The Ropemakers and into Scummerfields, he was seen to slow down and stop at the wonder that is The Tchibo range in aisle 3, a good range of thermal underwear was on a special discount. After an hour looking at the magnificence that is the Tchibo range Oliver made for the exit, next stop Washingpool Farm to sample the leaves.

Real Oliver

Twizzler holding mechanically recovered turkey’s twizzler.

Denhay says
The spokesperson for Denhays, Amanda Streatfield reckoned the upstart Oliver was “Well impressed geezer” By the amazing variety of food and drink on the Manor. “He tried our continental style air dried ham in Larnden and liked it so much he wanted to see where it was made, so we showed him”

Unnavailable
Hugh was unavailable for comment at this time, but sources close to "The Stool" say he reckons he could easy spank the intruder anytime. Bloody cheek.

Spotted
Did you see the young upstart chef Oliver in Bridders? Let us know…

Users' Comments (8)

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Posted by The Bat, on 18-03-2007 06:56,

I had him in my sights when I saw him walking out of Leakers with a crusty cheese loaf. I would have taken the little git out there and then with a single tap between the eyes, but a little old lady got in the way of my line of sight when she kicked him in the nuts. While we're on the subject of bread, have you noticed that it's not possible to buy a thin sliced loaf anymore? In desparation I went into Leakers the other day and asked them to slice a wholemeal loaf into thin slices with that gizzmo slicing machine they have. They said they don't do thin sliced loaves either!! What's Jammy Bloody Oliver got to say about that one eh??? Nothing I'll bet, he's far too bloody busy mucking around with kids school dinners.

Posted by Mrs Simpson, on 19-03-2007 10:47,

Jamie Oliver must have good eyesight to see the pigs being reared at Denhay - they stopped doing that years ago. They buy dead pigs in and then make the air dried ham out of it. It's only their cheese that's really local. Rather like Fearless Whittling Stool's River Cottage tosh, nothing is ever what it seems.

Posted by andy head, on 19-03-2007 12:53,

I love the idea that a bunch of highly paid city jerks are driving all the way to Bridport to discover the the secret of food that hasn't been quite as messed around with as the over-transported, over-processeed, over-sanitised, ersatz muck that that they stock in their repulsive fluorescent consumer malls. The secret is .... don't shop at the supermarket.

Posted by Carlito, on 19-03-2007 14:41,

Huge-Flaming-Arse-Whipping- Mule and Jamie Olivio should be fitted with EGO-Meters, and given the opportunity to out-smarm each other in an organised contest. The winner to be covered in rotting home-waste and thrown to a flock of pre-starved seagulls, the loser to be exiled to Portland with nothing to wear accept one of those cheap fleece jackets depicting a countryside scene bordered with rabbits. At least Jamie has no pretence...he drives a Maserati and a gurt big range rover. Everyone knows he's minted, and so does he. Not like HFWS down here, rolling around in a beaten up Renault 5 just so he reckons he can fit in with his pretend mates.

Posted by Carlito, on 19-03-2007 15:10,

Well done Andy, thanks for taking the moral highground and underlining the obvious. You may well be one of those people who manages to plan their entire weekly shop into a couple of hours of grockle-dodging around the market on a Saturday morning, BUT most people can't do that. Grocery shops during the rest of the week that open between 8.30 and 5.30 are useless to anyone who spends their day WORKING for a living. Supermarkets go from strength to strength because our social structure has changed and now demands late shopping hours, and shorter hours in which to shop. Grocery shops, butchers and other locally owned independants are all doing absolutely marvellously serving a range of stereo-types; comfortably well-off house wives, hippies, arty-do-nothing-all-day trustafarians and the elderly - none of which would dream of going to Morrisons. In short, I say shop from both - meat and fish from a supermarket is crap. Life's a bitch enough as it is with out making it any more difficult! p.S. - Pray you don't bump into Leon Sea in a supermarket - it creates a rift in the space-time-continuum. Neither of you can decide who has more of a basic right to stare into the others' basket to see what they've gone there for. The only thing you'll get out of it is a business card for Bio-Fuels...makes good roaching material I s'pose.

Posted by Denzlepob_at_work, on 25-03-2007 15:45,

The fact that new houses have no space available for growing or rearing food fuel the Supermarket snowball. Or am I mad? Cameras everywhere....

Posted by Morning Loves It, on 28-03-2007 17:57,

The last time I tried to do all my shopping in the high street, butcher, fishmonger, baker and fruit and vegetables, apart from it taking me all day, I couldn't carry the heavy fruit and veg box to my car parked in the car park. They kept my bought and paid for box while I fetched my car and parked it outside the fruit and veg shop to collect and within minutes I got threatened with a parking ticket.

Posted by JackAbbottRIP, on 17-04-2007 23:23,

Try shopping for fresh produce on half-day Thursday!

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