“I would like to formally accept my position as BridportRadio Mayor, I must admit it is an honour to be the puppet of the BridportRadio council; to be able to open new destructive businesses and new schools for special people by cutting ribbons and revealing plaques, drinking sensibly in public and like a shameless wino in the privacy of my modest town house...

walking about at the front of various processions, grinning to my public and shaking hands with secret cohorts;  living as a pillar of the community; realising the truth that I really have no power at all, and that my pointless existence keeps me up in the small hours every night, weeping in to my ridiculous B.A. Baracus chains of office and clinging to the vague hope that one day, this position will be something more than a Round Table/Rotary Club/FreeMasons/Local Government liaison officer.

I would like to thank:

-          My wife’s trifle, for being the most scrumptious pudding known to humanity.

-          The Tzchzhchzchibo Range for breaking the world record for the most amount of twisty cable-ties per cardboard packaged item.

-          My two hens, Waldorf and Stadtler, after which I am named for the purposes of BridportRadio, for consistently providing the finest eggs that I have ever tasted.

-          The speed camera in Somerset that has so far failed to provide me with a fine following a minor road incident 4 weeks ago.

-          The staff at BridportRadio (especially the Northern ones) for providing a much a needed target for regionalism, and taking it on the chin, as they should do…they’re an occupying force after all!

And last, but by no means the least,

-          The voters that gave me this opportunity. You know who you are, and now YOU WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!

Thank you!"