BRIDPORT RADIO - THE BIG BANGER

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Thursday, 02 September 2010 ~

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THE BIG BANGER

Colmers and Bridport Experiment Could End The World. On September 10th, COSAUSTECH (Colmers Sausage Technology)- the largest centre of sausage technology and physics research in the world, will switch on the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) and in the process begin arguably the most ambitious science experiment ever undertaken. This "Big Banger Machine" will recreate conditions just a billionth of a second after the big banger and in the process may answer some of the most profound questions about sausages and how it all began.

Pork + Apple = Pork & Apple

By smashing particles of Pork and Apple together at speeds 99.99% the speed of light, scientists hope to answer some of the greatest mysteries in particle physics. What is a sausage, What is mass? What is black pudding matter - the invisible but massive substance that fills the skin? Why is there no antisausage ? Are extra dimensions and parallel universes science fact rather than science fiction? What are those tiny white cubes in a banger? Why does a sausage spit in your eye when you fry it? Why do some sausages ask you to prick before frying?

Pork and Apple detector

Boffin at Balsons

In order to answer these deep questions about the cosmos, the LHC will whiz tiny subatomic particles, known as protons, around a giant ring-shaped tunnel, 27km in circumference that runs 100 metres below the famous Colmers Hill in the Dorset countryside. The particles will then be smashed together 600 million times per second, and the results recorded tasted and observed by four huge detectors (fat blokes) that sit in cathedral-sized chambers, deep beneath Washingpool Farm shop. The experiment will generate 40,000 pigabytes of data each day, which will be analysed by a virtual supercomputer made up of 100,000 processors around the world, linked by the Internet and back to Balsons. Britains oldest family butcher.

It's taken 20 years of preparation, 10 billion GB Pounds (Gawd blesss the Quinn) and has involved more than 10,000 scientists from 70 countries. Scientists have called the LHC the greatest scientific endeavour since the Apollo moon landings, and it heralds a new era in our understanding of the sausages we eat.

Other experiments include colliding a Dorset Naga Chilly with a beanburger to create the hottest beanburger on the planet, and colliding Hugh Frankly Whotshisstool with a free range chicken, only the good Lord will know what that could create, answers on a postcard please.

This is Dr Denzille De Ville Science Correspondent, signing off.

Users' Comments (5)

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Posted by bubbaphatass, on 11-09-2008 13:01,

I'm led to believe that this experiment will be eclipsed by the launch of the Playboy Large Hardon Collider, this apparently will open up as yet unknown brown holes, if this happens then scientists have let it be known we really will be in deep sh*t!

Posted by Shanky, on 11-09-2008 15:59,

Forget Cerne in Swissfrance - Cerne in Doset has had a large hardon collider painted on the hill for years...

Posted by goccibos, on 12-09-2008 14:39,

Dear Scientists

The trees on Colmers Hill are coniferous not deciduous as shown, I trust this won't screw the stats!

Posted by bubbaphatass, on 13-09-2008 15:41,

Experts are well aware of the coniferous confusion in their diagrams and would like to to reassure the public that any diaster resulting from the experiment will be preceeded by a faint roasting pine fragrance

Posted by BraBangledSpanner, on 16-09-2008 14:02,

Where's Martin Ray and the local parish planning committee when you need them? WHERE ARE YOU RAY? It's science versus tradition, young versus old, progress versus nostalgia. This is the worst atrocity since those capitalist bastards from the Olive Tree managed to slip their small inoffensive restaurant through the planning grater - we will not be beaten again.

In protest in this apparent "progress", which is in fact a simple waste of materials which could have been turned into coins which could have paid the expenses of our councilors, I have overlaid articles relating to the Large Hadron Collider with articles pertaining to the Evil West Bexington Beach Hut....................

The Large Hadron Collider (LHC), a giant particle accelerator built by European science organisation CERN, will start its atom-smashing activities tomorrow in an experiment it is hoped will uncover some of the secrets of the Big Bang.

But Lester Cowling, 64, of West Bexington Heritage Group, said: “It dwarfs its neighbours. It sticks out like a sore thumb. Planning permission should never have been given.”

When the Large Hadron Collider is up to full power, it will be crashing protons together 600 million times per second. After each impact, giant detectors will scour the subatomic wreckage looking for evidence of new physics, but concerned residents said the development meant there was a risk of the area becoming like Sandbanks - a waterfront area of Poole dubbed Britain's Palm Beach.

Scientists have some pretty good hunches about what the machine might find, from creating never-seen-before particles to discovering hidden dimensions and dark matter, the mysterious substance that makes up 25% of the universe. However, a local heritage group said the new hut had "ruined the integrity" of the row of chalets, and criticised district council planners for giving permission to the project.

The collider is contained in a circular tunnel with a circumference of 27 kilometres (17 mi) at a depth ranging from 50 to 175 metres underground.[2] The 3.8 metre (150 inches) diameter, concrete-lined tunnel, constructed between 1983 and 1988, was formerly used to house the Large Electron-Positron Collider.[3] It has a bathroom, kitchen and lounge. Powered by solar panels, it will have running water and drainage. Mr Saunders, a former designer for Porsche and Aston Martin, is entitled to live in it all year.

When activated, it is theorized that the collider will produce the elusive Higgs boson. The verification of the existence of the Higgs boson would be a significant step in the search for a Grand Unified Theory, which seeks to unify three of the four known fundamental forces: electromagnetism, the strong nuclear force and the weak nuclear force, leaving out only gravity. Anthony Edwards, chairman of Puncknowle and Swyre parish council, which covers West Bexington, said it was an "incongruous eyesore".

The Higgs boson may also help to explain why gravitation is so weak compared with the other three forces. In addition to the Higgs boson, other theorized particles, models and states might be produced, and for some searches are planned, including supersymmetric particles,[8] compositeness (technicolor),[9]extra dimensions,[10] strangelets,[11]micro black holes[12] and magnetic monopoles.[13] The parish council has agreed to write to the district council planners expressing their "unanimous opposition" to the building in its current form.

When in operation, about seven thousand scientists from eighty countries will have access to the LHC. Mr Evans said the council would ask Mr Saunders to paint the red cedar walls in a colour that was in-keeping with neighbouring huts.

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