BRIDPORT RADIO - DOCTOR MALICIOUS II

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Thursday, 02 September 2010 ~

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DOCTOR MALICIOUS II

The first version of Dr M's page has now been archived here http://www.bridportradio.co.uk/content/view/630/134/

Dear Citizens

Having been watching with close interest at the escapades of Bridport Radio members throughout this site, I thought it vastly appropriate to offer my services as a “Doctor of the broken mind” …an Agony Uncle if-you-will.

I was born in Germany in 1928 where I was raised by my uncle, Dr Helmut von Gross-man Malicious. He specialised in the recycling of dead human skin for the purposes of sporting equipment. One of his most well known breakthroughs was the use of human elbow skin for the covering of early squash balls. It was thought to be harder-wearing than any other naturally forming material on earth.

When he was arrested in 1953, I moved to England and became obsessed with the place. I developed a hatred for humanity whilst staying with distant relatives in a place known as the black-country. Since then my only relief from these seething misanthropy is to help and assist where possible. A paradox, if ever there was one. But one you will come to understand with my guidance!

May I invite you all to come to me with social quandaries, personal issues, moral dilemmas and even the occasional health problem or two and I will do my best to advise you in a clear, concise and proper manner.

I look forward to hearing from you…THE DOCTOR IS IN.

Yours most faithfully,

Dr. Malicious

Users' Comments (12)

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Posted by Astrantiger, on 23-04-2008 10:40,

Dear Dr Malicious, I am very pleased to hear your relations (the Lidls) are coming to Bridport. Having read that you have had some experience of using humam tissue for tennis balls, I was wondering if you would be supplying pickled testicles (as a residual product of your tennis balls) for sale in the new shop. I'm not sure if vegetarians can enjoy these? but if they do it will surely cut down on methane emissions from these foul smelling people (and save the planet). So Dr Malicious, can you recommend pickled testicles as an alternative for vegatarians to eat? or should all vegetarians have there backsides connected to the North Sea pipelines so at least they serve some useful purpose. Your professional opinion will be much valued.

Posted by Dr. Malicious, on 25-04-2008 06:00,

Dearest Astrantiger

The Lidls are of no relation to me. However, I can understand your confusion. I assume being reared in this area surrounded by your own feral siblings, cousins and 2nd cousins, that your knowledge of far-off lands such as Germany can only be drawn from the same stagnant pool of knowledge you loosely retain in that prescription-painkiller addled brick in your head.

Having deciphered your frankly illiterate ramblings it appears that you would like the following:

a) Lidls supermarkets to stock pickled “humam” testicles.

b) The said testicles to assist in the reduction of vegetarians’ methane emissions.

c) For me to recommend this delicacy as a suitable alternative to fruit, grain, pulses and vegetables.

d) For me to comment on whether inserting Vegetarians into the North Sea natural gas production line would give them a useful purpose in life.

Allow me to address each query in turn…

a) Cannibalism outside of your incestuous pig-sty dwelling is illegal. Packaging and marketing human testicles in jars of vinegar is a far cry from chewing off your sister’s big toe for sustenance when times are hard.

b) If WHO and EU regulations were to change and the sale of testicles were possible, the ingestion of such a product would have little or no effect on the methane levels within the standard vegetarian, as long as their intake of pulses is unchanged.

c) No recommendation can therefore be given. Perhaps you could start your own campaign for such a product to be made available. You can probably fashion yourself a placard from the refuse and detritus strewn around your pen, but you may need to take the postman hostage one morning and force to him to help you write your slogan.

d) Vegetarians’ main purpose in life is to provide entertainment during mealtimes in the form of exaggerated hardship and narrow-mindedness. Vegans, on the other hand, can only exist in the fertile temperate zones of the planet and will gently become extinct as the planet warms. Unfortunately due to the Vegetarians’ mildly damp methane emission, their gas is useless as a fuel. As a form of torture, however, it may serve a purpose.

Farewell Astrantiger. Tell whoever you forced to read this email to you in the town library to escort you safely off their premises.

NEXT!

Dr. Malicious

Posted by The Bat, on 19-06-2008 06:00,

Dear Doctor Vicious

What are the council thinking of by letting a stall pitch to a stall holder one the traffic lights outside the town hall? This bloke parks his white van to load and unload bang on the traffic lights (which is illegal), and his van hides the lights so motorists can't see whether they should go or stop. This is highly dangerous!!! Are the council receiving their 20 pieces of Bridport Silver for letting this van park there?? Is the stall holder a freemason or something?? What do you know about it??

Posted by tuzo, on 19-06-2008 11:52,

heres a novel idea (bat) why dont you ask him yourself before you shoot him? You might find out? In fact i think i will, as these comments about that van are just going round and round.

Posted by goccibos, on 15-09-2008 13:34,

Dear Dr

It's been some time since my last visit but I would value your advice as a man with origins from a culturally far superior nation.

I'm having a dinner party to celebrate the completion of my collection of Tishbo quality dinner service items from Scummerfields. My qustion is; for starters soup or Prawn Coctail? My inclination is to go for Prawn Coctail but I'm not sure it goes with Tripe as a main course or the icecream made with human breast milk for afters.

On the other hand Scummers have a 3 for £1 offer on soup and the mo...ummm

Posted by Doctor Malicious, on 23-09-2008 13:01,

Urgh this is so disgusting. Not suitable for anyone - do not read this if you are anyone (no seriously)- Ed

Dearest Goccibos

I assume, having completed your collection of Tzchibo Dining Finery that you have finally obtained the Tzchibo ™ Vibrating Enema Chocolate Fountain Kit © 2008 ™(complete with 6 x AA batteries and complimentary trial-membership of a collection of fetish websites). This would mark you as a man or woman who appreciates the more…playful side of life, and from that I would like to hastily advise you that a prawn cocktail would cause a disaster of cataclysmic proportions.

I would respectfully suggest that you relocate the Tripe course as an appetiser. A recipe I recall from my experimental youth, would consist of bite-size balls of pre-masticated offal, dipped in the menstrual flow from a Turkish Mountain Goat and sprinkled conservatively with dandruff. Once prepared, these balls are best cooked by deep-frying them in fermented sperm. The fermentation process gives the substance an unsurpassable flavour and compliments these delicacies much more effectively than simple oil. You can advertise these as “Little Creations” so as to avoid any alarm.

To follow I would highly recommend “Crispy Steak Tartar” where the finest raw fillet steak is minced and chopped with onions, spices, herbs, capers and pickles and topped with a raw egg yoke. You may find this DISGUSTING, but as a diversion tactic, mix in a good dose of broken glass into the mince. Not only does bleeding profusely from the mouth add to the flavor, but the spectacle itself should be enough to distract from the sheer revulsion caused by such an experience.

Finally, the show-stopper. Having carefully prepared your Tzchibo ™ Vibrating Enema Chocolate Fountain © 2008 ™ following all of the provided instructions. The kit should have come complete with a 10 pint enema bag, 5 feeding tubes complete with flow-taps and a handy metal stand to support the bag when at full capacity.

Gather your chums into circle around the fountain and each turn 180 degrees so everyone is facing outwards – this also saves the inevitable humiliation of inserting the feeding tubes. The participants can adjust the flow-taps to their own comfort. Once the taps are firmly in place, and each participant has taken 2 pints into the colon, quickly prepare the Tzchibo ™ Enema Chocolate Fountain © 2008 ™ release tubes. At the agreed point of release (P.O.R) insert the release tubes to the fountain and enjoy the show. I would suggest that you record the event on some kind of video device and post it immediately on a video sharing website for the world to see.

I look forward to hearing how successful your evening turns out to be!

NEXT!

Dr. Malicious

Posted by tuzo, on 24-09-2008 11:41,

that lot sounds like the average ravings of a sexually repressed W.A.S.P?

Posted by goccibos, on 14-10-2008 12:15,

Oh Joy of Joys, thank you so much Doctor, a wonderful evening was had by all. I would however not recommend downing 10 pints of Bavarian larger to help swallow the "crispy Steak Tartar" as it impared full operation of the Chocolate Fountain. It also made setting up any form of recording equipment impossible.

I'm now planning to upgrade the fountain with the newly available cheese converter and automatic emergency services call option which would have probably saved the only fatality of the evening. God rest you my friend I will never forget your face as you turned the tap to full power.

Posted by andy head, on 06-12-2008 14:54,

Dear Dr.

There appears to be a complete abscence of good quality bud in the Bridport area at the moment. My late night appetite has all but disappeared and I'm feeling unfamiliar urges to spend my time constructively rather than listening to bass driven music and playing with my computer. Can you help?

Posted by Doctor Malicious, on 17-12-2008 14:26,

Dearest Mr Head
Forgive me for the delay in responding to your quite valid issue. Nurse Septic and I have been interviewing candidates to fill a new position at my surgery. Yes, at times of economic distress, it is industries such as mine that thrive shamelessly on the misfortune of others.

The Bridport Centre for Malice will soon be open for business, and I have pleasure in announcing the new receptionist, the revered nihilist, Fredrich Neitzsche. Oh yes, he may be dead, but he is still quite disturbed, and will persuade even the most fundamental of the fundamentally moral, to find their own little patch of immorality somewhere in their being. No appointment is necessary at the Bridport Centre for Malice.

Carefully approach the desk and the ever-helpful Fredrich will provide you with a ticket, with which you will sit until called by Nurse Septic. Anyone who survives Nurse Septic's cross examination (or...shall we say, VERY CROSS examination) will be admitted to a personal session with myself.

By now Mr Head, you are undoubtedly tiring of this advertisement and wish to receive your personal piece of salvation. Well...allow me to assist.

Without illegally advising you to invest in your own equipment to facilitate a very personal and discreet "operation" on your own premises (which would not only provide you with a new night time activity, it would also resolve your supply issues), I must insist that the use of any illegal substance is entirely not advised in the slightest and in your case is obviously some kind of `'sweet release" from the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or whatever days' particular gang of demons.

Before deciding which evening activity best replaces your current downward spiral, without seeming constructive in the slightest is a careful balance to strike. As you well know Mr Head, the sense of achievement and satisfaction following a good long rest, is of much greater importance than the same feelings felt following a good day's work! However, there is hope. Our wonderful town is becoming polluted. A new generation of “residents” are becoming more and more prevalent and I fear that unless they are stopped, they in-turn will spawn and spread their filth more generously in future.

They can be easily spotted; their feral use of language, their lack of personal hygiene, their choice of tweed-free sportswear, their magpie-like fascination with all things remotely shiny, regardless of craftsmanship. These vile creatures are known to many as “Chavs”, but I prefer to call them the “End.” Because they represent the “End” of decency, the “End” of good manners, the “End” of respect for the fellow man, and the “End” of our town as we know it.

Now that your evenings are endured in the cold light of reality, with a sound mind and body needing more stimuli, may I recommend that you begin to plan the demise of the “End”. This is no place to fight fire with fire Mr Head. You must tackle The End with what they most fear, EDUCATION! Gaining use of a venue, the following curriculum should be devised and taught:

1. Taste & Decency (a general introduction)

2. Recognition of fine wines, cheeses and loose tea.

3. Use of cutlery

4. Appropriate use of fashion and style

5. Elocution, pronunciation and when/when not to speak at all

6. Visiting relatives

7. Respect for those superior to you

8. The fundamental differences between humans and primates.

I would be happy to assist you in the creation of a more detailed prospectus for the series of courses and workshops. In the meantime, I wish you the best of luck.

NEXT!

Dr. Malicious

Posted by andy head, on 18-12-2008 09:15,

Liebe Herr Dokter,

Once again the profundity of your insight scours the root of the problem with endoscopic precision. I have captured and begun experimenting on a young male chav and hope to release it fully socialised by the spring. I have found high voltage current appears to be capable of activating a whole swathe of suppressed wholesome behaviour.

Posted by The Bat, on 25-04-2009 20:25,

Dear Doctor Vicious

The white van man still parks his van on the traffic lights at the town hall. What are you going to do about it?

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