Andy writes: Dear Doctor, 
 
I've been terrible rough all day and would like to know whether there is something in elderberry wine that reacts badly with Butcombe Blond. As a professional what is your advice on dealing with hangovers?

Ochid Dawn - Aftermath

Doctor Malicious replies: Dearest Andy Head

Below is an excerpt from my book "Doctor Malicious' Guide To Veisalgia, Narcotic Withdrawl, Why Women are less complicated than you thought, and Dealing with Americans."

The book is a survival guide for modern man, and is spread across 4 highly informative volumes, but alas has so far been rejected by my chosen publishers.

This excerpt is taken from the Veisalgia volume:

Veisalgia, or the common hangover, affects the victim on three planes. The Psychological, the Physical, and the Cosmic. To stand any chance whatsoever of effectively combating the hangover, a three-pronged attack is required. Allow me to address each of these planes in turn.

Psychological – Despair & Self-Loathing

Despair

Method of Attack: Before embarking on an evenings drinking, find a £20 note and a permanent black marker. Write the word "BEER" on both sides of the note in large letters and place the note inside whichever receptacle you use to store unused tea bags in the kitchen.

The following morning (or afternoon), you will require tea. This is undeniable. As you stagger into the kitchen and reach for the tea bags you will be happily surprised to discover the £20 note, and at the same time be helpfully reminded that what you really require is more Beer.

Result: Jubilation and debauchery.

Self-Loathing

Method of Attack: The nation has been alleviating mass self-loathing on a daily basis through the use of soap operas. Some may feel that no matter how much you hate yourself; at least you aren't kidnapping your ex-wife’s under-aged daughter’s fetus and selling it to an Al-Qaeda cell to raise funds for your best mate’s stag do, who has just returned from Ibiza with a gum-rotting MDMA habit and a transsexual boy/girlfriend suffering from Chlamydia.

But this in itself presents a problem. Whilst inflicting your booze-addled brain with the Eastenders omnibus in order to save your guilt-racked conscience, you may well be doing far more damage. Should a moment of clarity edge its way into your mind for one moment you will note with horrifying speed that the very act of subjecting yourself to such a vile torrent of televisual excrement is good reason for self-loathing in the first instance.

The most effective environment in which to relieve self-loathing is your favourite pub. Anyone slumped over the bar at 11:30am, chin on a soggy beer-towel, quivering hands clamped unconsciously around a warm and flat pint of lager, fighting off the early onset of asphyxia, is surely enough to raise your spirits. As you stride comfortably towards the bar, clutching your £20 note complete with instructions for the bar staff, you will be filled with the warmth and security required to defeat that self-loathing, and begin the day with a good honest BEER...The BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.

Result: Jubilation and debauchery.
 

Physical – Nausea, Dehydration (and associated headaches), palpitations

Nausea

Method of Attack: Unfortunately, this is one symptom that beer can’t remedy. For those of you who smoke, it is widely agreed that a fat roll-up or a full-strength Camel can stem the rate of Saliva production and cause your stomach to settle. For those of you who don’t smoke, quite the opposite. A quick stroll in fresh air, in the general direction of your favourite pub will suffice, and if timed with care, you will be feeling as right as rain and standing at the entrance to your salvation.

Result: Jubilation and debauchery.

Dehydration

Method of attack: Beer, being a diuretic causes the water content to be passed through your system much faster than it would usually. This is great for people with Water Retention, but usually these are either old women or pregnant women, neither of which are likely to be feeling as hung over as you do. The old adage heard being screamed with horror from the men’s urinals “ALCHEMY! …. I’M TURNING MONEY INTO URINE!” is very close to the truth. So the question is; is there a way of making your beer pass through less quickly and allow your body to retain some of the fluid? Thankfully, the answer is YES.

Shortly after having placed your £20 note amongst your teabags, divert to the bathroom and locate a natural sponge. Rather than lining your stomach with a hearty meal, that can actually cause your evening to cost you twice as much in beer than required, cut the natural sponge into bite size pieces, apply a liberal dose of Tomato Ketchup and consume as much of this sponge as you can.

The sponge will collect the beer, and retain it in your stomach. Both the alcohol and fluid content will have more time to absorb into your bloodstream, thus…

Result: Jubilation and debauchery

Palpitations

Method of Attack: An irregular heartbeat can occur during Veisalgia when the level of poison in your bloodstream is causing you body to react against it. In order to metabolize the poison quicker, your body increases your heartbeat. This may happen in waves because the poison is often not evenly distributed in the bloodstream. 

The number one rule here is DO NOT EAT A FRY UP. A fry up will only improve your hangover when the hangover is weak. If you are suffering from a hangover that is causing your world to cave in and your heart to beat rapidly in waves, filling your stomach with greasy proteins and carbohydrates will put you in hospital!

Ensuring, as you usually do, that your fridge is well stocked with a reassuring quantity of beer, don’t risk the journey to the pub in this state. Take 1 beer every 15 mins for 2 hours, being careful not to over-exert the swigging arm. Avoid hyperventilating by holding your breath between gulps.  When you are completely at ease and feel ready for the journey, retrieve £20 note and head to the pub.

Result: Jubilation and debauchery

Cosmic

Method of attack: You know when you have a hangover of cosmic proportions when you wake up from your alcohol-induced coma, and have lost feeling in all of your limbs and are unable to see. Sounds become distant echoes, and everywhere you look is a cloak of eternal darkness with a throbbing red glow in the centre. With each throb, a searing pain shoots through the centre of your head like a blunt machete. A cosmic war has begun between your ears as celestial beings leap from dimension to dimension, leaving nothing but universal devastation in their wake, and a shivering wreck of your body. Yes, welcome to the “steaming hangover”, and the end of your world as you know it.

How on earth can it be possible to combat such a powerful karmic revenge on your body and mind? Well, the clue is in the question. The answer is not on EARTH at all.

Lie still. Do not attempt to move. Close your useless eyes and focus on the pain. Let the pain take you from your physical place, and carry you on a journey. Let the throb become the engine, on the vehicle on which you travel. The vehicle is taking you to a place where you can find the strength to fight this battle. First, you must negotiate with your driver. A win in this negotiation will give you the feeling back in your body. THEN, you must exit the vehicle, and walk away from it. As the vehicle’s engine becomes more distant, so does the throbbing…until the throbbing has passed and become a mere murmur. As you enter your destination, the warm, dim light will restore your vision. Choose your location carefully, as the battle is still raging, and a wrong strategic decision at this point could prove to be fatal. Now, you must feast, build your strength, DRINK the life-giving nectar placed before you. DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

And what about the battle? It is already WON. Now WAKE UP and repeat!

Result: Jubilation and debauchery

NEXT! - Dr. Malicious

Further reading:
DOCTOR MALICIOUS
MODERN DRUNKARD MAG