Nocturnal execution of thousands of kangaroos at the Bridport euro abbattoir. I have been awakened every morning at around 4.00 am by rough voices and revving engines and slamming doors. One morning last week I decided to investigate which unfortunate anmal was being delivered to its fate at such an ungodly hour. I leapt from my bed - actually I crawled groaning from my bed, but this was before the teeth, groin accidents, and went slowly down the stairs then I was in the street, directly next to live animal lorry.

A teacup fell off a shelf and was smashed in The Beach & Barnicott just a few minutes after Elvis impersonator Kim IL Sung pushed the button on his nuclear bomb test. Beach & Barnicott owner Tom Gillott said; "I was minding my own business when all of a sudden a mug fell off a shelf and smashed, there goes my profit margin I thought, it was my favourite Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle mug as well, it was an heirloom, I never imagined connecting the two events but when I saw the evening news it all clicked into place, I was smacked in the gob"

There are many areas of the town in need of "improvement" perhaps we should apply for planning for some of these:

The Coach Park - is undoubtedly designed to keep tourist scum on their filthy coaches. The derelict buildings, the police station, the prison-like bus depot - it's all key to giving the impression that in Bridport, you're more likely to get mugged by a bunch of loitering chavs, than be invited to a private view. That is EXACTLY what we want them to think! In an effort to improve this effect, we should spray slurry over the area twice weekly throughout the summer.

The Hair House - opposite Texaco. It's been closed for 10 years and it is just rotting! If we'd planted creeping Ivy infront of it back then, it'd be a big green blob by now - anyway - I expect The Bat squats in there now, sleeping with his sniper's rifle.

Sea Road - how bloody ugly is Sea Road eh? A nasty lego-style brickwall along the whole length on one side and a dog-crap-filled stretch of wasteland on the other (probably protected as a nature reserve - pah!). What Sea Road needs is a series of large TFT screens at regular intervals along the pavement that show nothing but scenes of running water, followed by a very successful row of pay-to-use portaloos. It'll be a winner with all those traffic jams in the summer! IT WAS MY IDEA FIRST YOU BUGGERS!

South Street - Not the pretty top bit, but that bit between Palmers and Castle square. The whole lot needs to be levelled and replaced by some houses that people can afford to buy - that aren't tucked away in some crabby featureless housing estate. Jewsons, The Tile Centre, that weird old garage that isn't really a garage anymore, the useless bloody refuse tip, the old Fishermans Arms - and that restaurant that has changed it's name 20 times in 5 years. What is it with that? It isn't the NAME of the place that stops people going there, it's that's it's in the arse end of nowhere opposite a bloody supermarket. Look at Hardy's! Opposite supermarket - failing dump, Chinese Palace/Emperor's Arse whatever it's called now, opposite supermarket - failing dump. See the pattern?

Bucky Doo - You can't walk across it for bloody memorial benches. It's like a bloody cemetary. Shadowed by the hideous pink monster of an Arts Centre, and fumed by the peroxide seeping out from the horde of hairdressers within firing range - it's simply over-crowded. Too much crap going on in such a small area. If I had my way, I'd scrap the square all together and widen the road. It's a Pseudo square. Why not build a decent square? Why not narrow the pavements? Get those pesky market traders fighting for their lives in 3 lanes of traffic! Who cares - they're all from Dorchester anyway...swines.

Anyone else have any more suggestions?

All this business of taking your partners name when you get married puzzles me. is it legal? I ask because someone I know is recently married and they have joined their names together, in fact, thinkin about this, he already has a hyphonated name!! but i question whether they are able to use a "made up(pretentious even) surname on legal documents etc? does anyone know? it seems from this that if i wanted to add say "winterbourne" to a name of SMITH, could i just legally call myself WINTERBOURNE SMITH?
this is just an example and me name is not smith, but what do you think?
and how come females can revert to their maiden names or even keep using them after marriage, i can think of at least one woman who doesnt use her husbands surname, whats the deal there? and mrs becomes ms at the drop of a hat, but the porr guys are stuck with what they have!! I hope someone knows the answers to these queries and can tell us what’s legal and aint.
(and i think its time i changed my nick name its too obviously me, can i do that please? ) doug the hat

Martin Clunes moves to Beaminster

Who gives a monkeys?

Go and push the house prices up somewhere else.

Regular readers of Bridport Radio will be familiar with the nature of our member The Bats comments. For those of you who do not know the main gist of it is that there are many problems in this lovely town of ours, namely badly parked white vans, seagulls and skagheads to name but a few that could be remedied by the simple act of putting a sniper on the town hall roof (presumably paid for out of our council tax) to pick them off. Well, we have been sent this picture that purports to be The Bat doing what he loves best . BridportRadio says "Keep up the good work".

Bridport Radio member Scoop Doogy Style made this likeness of The Bat in Greece, this sandman will definately put you to sleep.

Great news readers, Bucky Doo is about to undergo a huge redevelopment, entries are invited by the Town Council for any ideas/suggestions for improvements that could be made at the expense of local businesses, all the entries will be scrutinised by a panel of experts and a prize of a large cappucino skinny larty expression has been given by Starbucks who honestly have no interest in muscling in on any small family run cafe in the area, although they suggested painting the square green and white.

A new restaurant is due to open in Bridport called "Mingers". Proprietor A. Provocateur says "I feel the town is in need of an up market, fast food emporium, given the poor choice available to the late night forager. Inspired by living off the land foody celebrities such as Huge Furry-Whittlingstool my haute cuisine will include such carnal pleasures as the Kill n Grill. You peel your favourite piece of road kill off the tarmac or extract it from your fan belt and bring it in to be "doctored" by one of our acne ridden operatives. Such delicacies as the Badger burger or the Pheasant Plucker Wrap should float on the top of ten pints of Palmers "Golden Rain" quite nicely.

There will of course be a crèche to accommodate the no doubt, herds of single mothers, swarming round our lights. This snotties play area will consist of condemned Wendy Houses with, of course, rape alarms fitted to warn off the  predatory paedos that stalk the town during the wee hours.

While you wait for the fur to be shaved off your badger, why not enjoy a cocktail. The "Storm in a C Cup" a bloody Mary milkshake,  should prove popular. Any more ideas very welcome”

How about it BridportRadio readers what would you like to see on the menu?