Flat Bastard Files

BLOKE
According to a bloke down the pub, the letter says 900 people have been interviewed (fallen over in the cell) so far. This includes 35 members of the Labour party, 29 Conservatives, four Liberal Democrats, 1 Raving Monster Looney, 5 Christian Liberal Oligarchs and a partridge in a pear tree.

The Houses of Polomint.

Cafe 10

THE LETTER
The letter to the public administration committee, dated November 13th, states that "considerable progress continues to be made" in the inquiry.  Police are investigating claims that parties offered wealthy businessmen a seat in the House of Sponsored by Polomint in return for a financial contribution (bleedin’ backhanders), and that this money was made in loans rather than donations to keep them out of the public eyes.
As usual all three main parties deny any wrongdoing and have promised to cooperate fully with the inquiry, which is looking at possible breaches of a 1925 act prohibiting the sale of honours, and a 2000 act requiring the declaration of party donations and boozy nights out, including Beanos’ or Topper but not Whizzer and Chips.

HOW TO SPOT A SIR

A typical Sir - Sir Burnham-Beard of Bridport

1997 Ford Probe in Rosso Red, 2.0, leather and air-con. Nice.

BELIEVE
"I believe most MPs and members of the House of Lords are shocked by what's being going on," he said. “We ain’t, and my readers ain’t” I replied. "The second chamber of secrets has great influence on our legislation and we want to see people there on their qualities, on their merit, whether or not they have read all the Harry Potters and certainly not on the amount of money they have in their wallets or sewn into the curtain linings"

DEPUTY DAWG
When I questioned Deputy Dawg John Prescott he was just up for a punch up and Blair did a great impression of somebody important. He was advised by his advisers to stand with his arms out gibbon style to make him look bigger a’la Clyde of of Anywhichwayyoucan, when I interviewed him he wasn’t all that. We tried calling Sir Clift Richards but he was unavailable for comment since his last encounter with celebrity chef Sir Gordon of Ramsey. Sir Tim Specialfried Rice also did a runner when we approached him, Sir Elton made great music, especially Rocket Man and deserves his Sirship. Sting is a twat.

Probe

Am I Bovvered?

Tony and Clint share a moment

The Queen

Lady

DO YOU KNOW A REAL SIR?
Do you know a real Sir? How much would you pay for a peerage? Have you got any spare cash? What do you think of Sirs? Let us know.

From Bridport Radio roving reporter Sir Scoop Doggy Style.

Another exclusive from Scoop Doggy Style.
 

GODS WHISK

Global Warming The Truth.

Bridport, or to be more precise, Dr Robert's Close, has been identified by The World Global Warming Early Warning Sensing and Detection Centre (THEWGWERSED as it is known in the trade) as the Worlds Global Warming hotspot. Fuelled by Red Bull and energy drinks Dr Bob's Close has a Qwerty value topping over 59QTY , Global Warming is measured in Qwerty's 1 being low and 60 being very high, Dr Bob's Close score of 59QTY puts it in the top ten of the world. Close runner up is Mount Etna with 55QTY, Modelled on Etna, Colmers Hill, a dormant volcano has been kicking off, seismologists at Bridport seismology Centre have been warning the Government for Days: "We have been warning the Government for days." said Bridport Seismology Centre's chief seismologist Dr My-eyes. "Something needs to be done to prevent another eruption, the last being in 1855."
 
Off Road
 
We sent our very own reporting off roader down to West Bay to check out the effects....

"The effect is dramatic, the Hummer grips fantastic now the sand has all but dried out." 

Save the Wales
 

The Map in the near Future....

Help needed
 
Have you noticed things warming up?
 
Join the debate, get involved, tell us your Global Warming story.

In Response to the SECRET MOVIE

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear... I got an email from a guy saying that if I stuck to the rules in some book I could be rich, happy and fulfilled in all ways possible.

Then I realised that this is the same twisted message that all religions pedal.

It is, quite frankly insulting that the organisers of this "screening" would think for one minute that readers of Bridport Radio, or in fact, any sane member of society would believe for one second that this cheap, American piece of pulp-propaganda can successfully recruit others to their cause, and it makes my blood boil to think that there are people I know who could quite easily fall for this tripe.

It is only the vulnerable, the weak, and the insecure that need "groups" like this to "realise" their intentions in life and feel comfortably in control of it, and these are EXACTLY the kind of people that this vile fiction is aimed at. The horrible, sordid part of this is that even if you're strong-minded and confident, you can still be convinced that you haven't achieved your full potential as a person when confronted by hard facts. They break you down with details and then build you back up using their own bricks and mortar, in their own shape.

Please don't misread this message. I am not paranoid, I am not overly defensive, and I am not displaying my own insecurities through anger and I am not in need of focusing my life goals to further my sense of being and be more accepting of others! NOR AM I IN DENIAL!

The Catholics, the Protestants, the Christian Scientists, the Methodists, the Quakers, the Evangelists (nutters!), The Taoists, The Buddists, The Hindus, The Muslims, The Druids and even the Jehova's Witnesses can get on with it for all I care, but this stuff needs to be spoken up against, and these 100 dollar fairy-tale philosophies disgust me to the core.

Disclaimer:
Of course none of my opinions expressed above are designed to silence any group or individual as I know full well that freedom of speech on-line is paramount. However, I feel so strongly on this, that the above tirade may well be seen as being an attempt to stop this group from "advertising" on BR by rallying support from other BR members, and if it is seen as that, then fair enough.

CARLITO.

Nocturnal execution of thousands of kangaroos at the Bridport euro abbattoir. I have been awakened every morning at around 4.00 am by rough voices and revving engines and slamming doors. One morning last week I decided to investigate which unfortunate anmal was being delivered to its fate at such an ungodly hour. I leapt from my bed - actually I crawled groaning from my bed, but this was before the teeth, groin accidents, and went slowly down the stairs then I was in the street, directly next to live animal lorry.

A teacup fell off a shelf and was smashed in The Beach & Barnicott just a few minutes after Elvis impersonator Kim IL Sung pushed the button on his nuclear bomb test. Beach & Barnicott owner Tom Gillott said; "I was minding my own business when all of a sudden a mug fell off a shelf and smashed, there goes my profit margin I thought, it was my favourite Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle mug as well, it was an heirloom, I never imagined connecting the two events but when I saw the evening news it all clicked into place, I was smacked in the gob"

There are many areas of the town in need of "improvement" perhaps we should apply for planning for some of these:

The Coach Park - is undoubtedly designed to keep tourist scum on their filthy coaches. The derelict buildings, the police station, the prison-like bus depot - it's all key to giving the impression that in Bridport, you're more likely to get mugged by a bunch of loitering chavs, than be invited to a private view. That is EXACTLY what we want them to think! In an effort to improve this effect, we should spray slurry over the area twice weekly throughout the summer.

The Hair House - opposite Texaco. It's been closed for 10 years and it is just rotting! If we'd planted creeping Ivy infront of it back then, it'd be a big green blob by now - anyway - I expect The Bat squats in there now, sleeping with his sniper's rifle.

Sea Road - how bloody ugly is Sea Road eh? A nasty lego-style brickwall along the whole length on one side and a dog-crap-filled stretch of wasteland on the other (probably protected as a nature reserve - pah!). What Sea Road needs is a series of large TFT screens at regular intervals along the pavement that show nothing but scenes of running water, followed by a very successful row of pay-to-use portaloos. It'll be a winner with all those traffic jams in the summer! IT WAS MY IDEA FIRST YOU BUGGERS!

South Street - Not the pretty top bit, but that bit between Palmers and Castle square. The whole lot needs to be levelled and replaced by some houses that people can afford to buy - that aren't tucked away in some crabby featureless housing estate. Jewsons, The Tile Centre, that weird old garage that isn't really a garage anymore, the useless bloody refuse tip, the old Fishermans Arms - and that restaurant that has changed it's name 20 times in 5 years. What is it with that? It isn't the NAME of the place that stops people going there, it's that's it's in the arse end of nowhere opposite a bloody supermarket. Look at Hardy's! Opposite supermarket - failing dump, Chinese Palace/Emperor's Arse whatever it's called now, opposite supermarket - failing dump. See the pattern?

Bucky Doo - You can't walk across it for bloody memorial benches. It's like a bloody cemetary. Shadowed by the hideous pink monster of an Arts Centre, and fumed by the peroxide seeping out from the horde of hairdressers within firing range - it's simply over-crowded. Too much crap going on in such a small area. If I had my way, I'd scrap the square all together and widen the road. It's a Pseudo square. Why not build a decent square? Why not narrow the pavements? Get those pesky market traders fighting for their lives in 3 lanes of traffic! Who cares - they're all from Dorchester anyway...swines.

Anyone else have any more suggestions?

All this business of taking your partners name when you get married puzzles me. is it legal? I ask because someone I know is recently married and they have joined their names together, in fact, thinkin about this, he already has a hyphonated name!! but i question whether they are able to use a "made up(pretentious even) surname on legal documents etc? does anyone know? it seems from this that if i wanted to add say "winterbourne" to a name of SMITH, could i just legally call myself WINTERBOURNE SMITH?
this is just an example and me name is not smith, but what do you think?
and how come females can revert to their maiden names or even keep using them after marriage, i can think of at least one woman who doesnt use her husbands surname, whats the deal there? and mrs becomes ms at the drop of a hat, but the porr guys are stuck with what they have!! I hope someone knows the answers to these queries and can tell us what’s legal and aint.
(and i think its time i changed my nick name its too obviously me, can i do that please? ) doug the hat

Martin Clunes moves to Beaminster

Who gives a monkeys?

Go and push the house prices up somewhere else.