Santa was unhappy. It was getting late on Christmas Eve and nothing was going right.
Mrs Clause had burned Santa’s favorites - the mince pies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime on Christmas Eve. The reindeer, who were in a festive mood, had been drinking all day and were in poor condition for the long trip that night, and to make matters even worse, they had taken the sleigh for a trial spin and had crashed it. The goblins, in their usual uncooperative way, had said it would take hours to fix it in their workshops.
Santa was furious.“ I can’t believe it !! “ he bellowed “ The one day in the year when I have to deliver presents all over the world and the reindeer are drunk, the elves are about to go strike, and I haven’t even got a Christmas tree yet !!.
He raged on ‘I sent that stupid pixie out hours ago to find a tree and he still isn’t back. ‘What a mess “
Just then the door flew open and the pixie stepped in from the cold night, with a big smile he dragged in an enormous Christmas tree covered in mud and snow behind him, dripping water all over Santa’s floor.
“ Yo,ho,ho, fat man “ he beamed. “ I got one. Where do you want me to stick it ? ”
Thus the tradition of little folk atop the Christmas tree came into being.
Scandinavians Give Bridport The Finger - The Christmas tree in Bucky Doo square is a standing testement to how the Scandinavians have decided that Bridport is yesterdays town.
After conducting a quick poll in Bridports Bucky Doo Square the main question that needs to be asked is "what did we ever do to the scandinavians" Normally the focal point for Christmas celebrations in Bridport, the traditional christmas tree provided by the herring munchers is, this year, a sad little sprig of a sprog of an apology for a tree. I have had bigger trees in my front room and that's not easy when you live in a caravan. Imagine the poor little kiddies when they look at this rather non event of a Norwegian spruce. "but where will santa put the pressies" I hear their plaintive cry as I type. "It is so small mummy why don't the skandys love us any more" and many more pitiful wailing's about how it just wont be the same with a small badly lit tree. In an exclusive interview Gabrial Wildoak, a renowned local tree surgeon said "If it was a dog I would take a chain saw to it but then again if it was a log I would do the same, do you like my sandals?" With top professionals talking this way could it be that the nutters are right and the end of the world is really nigh? Global warming or just wobbly gloaming we need to be told.
Maybe all the good trees have gone to China to combat Bird Flu - Ed
After conducting a quick poll in Bridports Bucky Doo Square the main question that needs to be asked is "what did we ever do to the scandinavians" Normally the focal point for Christmas celebrations in Bridport, the traditional christmas tree provided by the herring munchers is, this year, a sad little sprig of a sprog of an apology for a tree. I have had bigger trees in my front room and that's not easy when you live in a caravan. Imagine the poor little kiddies when they look at this rather non event of a Norwegian spruce. "but where will santa put the pressies" I hear their plaintive cry as I type. "It is so small mummy why don't the skandys love us any more" and many more pitiful wailing's about how it just wont be the same with a small badly lit tree. In an exclusive interview Gabrial Wildoak, a renowned local tree surgeon said "If it was a dog I would take a chain saw to it but then again if it was a log I would do the same, do you like my sandals?" With top professionals talking this way could it be that the nutters are right and the end of the world is really nigh? Global warming or just wobbly gloaming we need to be told. Duck its Poo (our local tree despondent)
I was walking along Tannery Road the other day and as I proceeded towards the new tennis courts to watch the kids throwing beer cans over the nets, I tripped over a single carpet slipper which had been discarded out of a nearby window. I decided to knock at the residence and complain. Imagine my surprise when I discovered I had inadvertently stumbled upon the secret meeting place of the Bridport Worshipful Lodge of Free Masons.
The Bat, blindfolded and being escorted from the building by the Grand High Wizard, (complete with ceremonial biscuit in hand).
After inviting me in for an apologetic cup of masonic tea with ceremonial biscuit the High Grand Wizard (who had recently returned from a whistle stop tour of Europe) politely enquired if I was interested in having my tongue cut out at low tide. After my pointing out that I would prefer this did not happen, he told me it might happen 'if I blabbed'. On my way out I managed to take this snap with my mobile phone.
Have any other Bridport Radio members had any dealings with the Bridport Worshipful Lodge of Free Masons?
The Bat
PS. Re the threat from the Grand High Wizard. Will nobody help the son of a poor Irish widow?
Getting a suitable present for members of your family can be a real nightmare, getting an unsuitable present is usually the outcome, the Government has a new “Right to A Suitable Present” or The RASP bill being pushed through the house of Polomint as I type. Every man, woman and child (except ASBO medal holders, what will get an Holiday) is to be issued with a VAG or Voucher for an Appropriate Gift. You can exchange your VAG at any high street store except WH Smith who say that they have top shelves full of VAG’s and don’t need anymore, thank you.
A spokesperson for Volkswagen Audi Gmbh or VAG as they are known said “We don’t mind Mr Blair using it as long as the voucher can cover gifts like our new Taureg (pronounced twat-vargon) You can see where the government is going with this one, my uncle who lost a foot in WW2 pulled a cracker and got a nail clipper set, how we laughed! He got up and hobbled out into the snow and was killed by the only bus running that day, he still had his paper hat on, I kept the clippers.
We found this super sniper snowman and immediately thought of our friend The Bat. The technical among us will notice he ain’t gonna’ hit nuthin’ with his coal eye on top of the scope and his carrot nose on the barrel.
Can you think of a suitable presents for members of Bridport Radio? Suggestions on an email please to
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a festive Mikki Mug* for the most hapt and horiginal suggestion.
Scoop Doggy Style. Intrepid reportager.
*Mikki Mugs are included in the VAG scheme as suitable presents. Remember your home is at risk if you do not keep up the payments on a mortgage or other loan secured on it, always read the label, Contents hot, these nuts are produced in a factory that processes nuts and may contain traces of nut.
The titles of Earl of Bucky Doo, The Duchess of Dreadnought and the Lord Skilling will be available to the highest bidder at the Bridport Radio Christmas party - 21nd December '07 . The eligibility for these esteemed offices will determined solely by the quantity of cash supplied in unmarked notes - in the true democratic tradtion of New Labour. Our researchers are currently determining the full extent of the feudal rights associated with these positions - but we believe the first brace of pheasants to arrive in Framptons and the first pint of the new year pulled in the George may well be the hereditary rights of the Earl of Bucky Doo. The Lord Skilling appears to be entitled to the first bud of the hempen harvest - not quite sure what this means but we'll let you know as details become clear. In the meantime, start saving up your fivers - it looks as if bidding may become quiute intense.
The Copper investigating the loans for peerages row has uncovered "significant and valuable stuff on them", reports suggest. Metropolitan police assistant commissioner John Yates has written to MPs saying he expects to pass a file to the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) in January.
BLOKE According to a bloke down the pub, the letter says 900 people have been interviewed (fallen over in the cell) so far. This includes 35 members of the Labour party, 29 Conservatives, four Liberal Democrats, 1 Raving Monster Looney, 5 Christian Liberal Oligarchs and a partridge in a pear tree.
The Houses of Polomint.
Cafe 10
THE LETTER The letter to the public administration committee, dated November 13th, states that "considerable progress continues to be made" in the inquiry. Police are investigating claims that parties offered wealthy businessmen a seat in the House of Sponsored by Polomint in return for a financial contribution (bleedin’ backhanders), and that this money was made in loans rather than donations to keep them out of the public eyes. As usual all three main parties deny any wrongdoing and have promised to cooperate fully with the inquiry, which is looking at possible breaches of a 1925 act prohibiting the sale of honours, and a 2000 act requiring the declaration of party donations and boozy nights out, including Beanos’ or Topper but not Whizzer and Chips.
HOW TO SPOT A SIR
A typical Sir - Sir Burnham-Beard of Bridport
1997 Ford Probe in Rosso Red, 2.0, leather and air-con. Nice.
SPEEDY CONCLUSION Speaking to Bridport Radios ace reporter Scoop Doggy Style this afternoon, a member of the public administration committee, Paul Flynn, said the news was "clearly very serious" and expressed his hope that the probe reaches a "speedy conclusion". (lucky probe)
BELIEVE "I believe most MPs and members of the House of Lords are shocked by what's being going on," he said. “We ain’t, and my readers ain’t” I replied. "The second chamber of secrets has great influence on our legislation and we want to see people there on their qualities, on their merit, whether or not they have read all the Harry Potters and certainly not on the amount of money they have in their wallets or sewn into the curtain linings"
DEPUTY DAWG When I questioned Deputy Dawg John Prescott he was just up for a punch up and Blair did a great impression of somebody important. He was advised by his advisers to stand with his arms out gibbon style to make him look bigger a’la Clyde of of Anywhichwayyoucan, when I interviewed him he wasn’t all that. We tried calling Sir Clift Richards but he was unavailable for comment since his last encounter with celebrity chef Sir Gordon of Ramsey. Sir Tim Specialfried Rice also did a runner when we approached him, Sir Elton made great music, especially Rocket Man and deserves his Sirship. Sting is a twat.
Probe
Am I Bovvered?
Tony and Clint share a moment
The Queen
THE QUEEN She keeps her Moet et Chandon in a pretty cabinet and commented “My sword is worn out, never seen so many Sirs, Phillip, Phillip? Can you help slip that sword into my scabbard?
Lady
LADY A lady complained that ladies were not getting enough exposure. Well there you go.
DO YOU KNOW A REAL SIR? Do you know a real Sir? How much would you pay for a peerage? Have you got any spare cash? What do you think of Sirs? Let us know.
From Bridport Radio roving reporter Sir Scoop Doggy Style.
Global warming is basically the Whole World warming up, resulting in Mediterranean type weather being the norm rather than the exception, it's like The Lord has taken his big whisk and mixed everything up. We asked local man Norm Exception for his comments; "S'bloody great, sod the kids I'm switching on all the lights in the 'ouse an leavin the telly on standby, where's my patio 'eater?."
Global Warming The Truth.
Bridport, or to be more precise, Dr Robert's Close, has been identified by The World Global Warming Early Warning Sensing and Detection Centre (THEWGWERSED as it is known in the trade) as the Worlds Global Warming hotspot. Fuelled by Red Bull and energy drinks Dr Bob's Close has a Qwerty value topping over 59QTY , Global Warming is measured in Qwerty's 1 being low and 60 being very high, Dr Bob's Close score of 59QTY puts it in the top ten of the world. Close runner up is Mount Etna with 55QTY, Modelled on Etna, Colmers Hill, a dormant volcano has been kicking off, seismologists at Bridport seismology Centre have been warning the Government for Days: "We have been warning the Government for days." said Bridport Seismology Centre's chief seismologist Dr My-eyes. "Something needs to be done to prevent another eruption, the last being in 1855."
Off Road
We sent our very own reporting off roader down to West Bay to check out the effects....
"The effect is dramatic, the Hummer grips fantastic now the sand has all but dried out."
Save the Wales
The Map in the near Future....
This image tells the full story (saves me typing it out) When the ice caps melt we are all moving to Wales, looks like a good investment, we asked local estate agents to comment on the future of property in Bridport and the long term investment potential; " The top floor apartments at Quay Bay West down on the harbour are a good bet, if you look closely the builders have put doors at the front of the apartments on every floor. Cute" Wales or East Angularsee as it was once called is a sparsely populated area of scrubland with few roads.
Help needed
Have you noticed things warming up?
Join the debate, get involved, tell us your Global Warming story.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear... I got an email from a guy saying that if I stuck to the rules in some book I could be rich, happy and fulfilled in all ways possible.
Then I realised that this is the same twisted message that all religions pedal.
It is, quite frankly insulting that the organisers of this "screening" would think for one minute that readers of Bridport Radio, or in fact, any sane member of society would believe for one second that this cheap, American piece of pulp-propaganda can successfully recruit others to their cause, and it makes my blood boil to think that there are people I know who could quite easily fall for this tripe.
It is only the vulnerable, the weak, and the insecure that need "groups" like this to "realise" their intentions in life and feel comfortably in control of it, and these are EXACTLY the kind of people that this vile fiction is aimed at. The horrible, sordid part of this is that even if you're strong-minded and confident, you can still be convinced that you haven't achieved your full potential as a person when confronted by hard facts. They break you down with details and then build you back up using their own bricks and mortar, in their own shape.
Please don't misread this message. I am not paranoid, I am not overly defensive, and I am not displaying my own insecurities through anger and I am not in need of focusing my life goals to further my sense of being and be more accepting of others! NOR AM I IN DENIAL!
The Catholics, the Protestants, the Christian Scientists, the Methodists, the Quakers, the Evangelists (nutters!), The Taoists, The Buddists, The Hindus, The Muslims, The Druids and even the Jehova's Witnesses can get on with it for all I care, but this stuff needs to be spoken up against, and these 100 dollar fairy-tale philosophies disgust me to the core.
Disclaimer: Of course none of my opinions expressed above are designed to silence any group or individual as I know full well that freedom of speech on-line is paramount. However, I feel so strongly on this, that the above tirade may well be seen as being an attempt to stop this group from "advertising" on BR by rallying support from other BR members, and if it is seen as that, then fair enough.
Have you found yourself saying "The youth of today have no respect" or "In my day you could catch the train to West Bay, have a slap up fish dinner, three pints of IPA and catch the charabanc home and still have change out of a farthing" Well here's another feature we've revived from the archives that might appeal to you. especially if you are one of the elite Grumpy Old Gits.
Nocturnal execution of thousands of kangaroos at the Bridport euro abbattoir. I have been awakened every morning at around 4.00 am by rough voices and revving engines and slamming doors. One morning last week I decided to investigate which unfortunate anmal was being delivered to its fate at such an ungodly hour. I leapt from my bed - actually I crawled groaning from my bed, but this was before the teeth, groin accidents, and went slowly down the stairs then I was in the street, directly next to live animal lorry.
long trip that night, and to make matters even worse, they had taken the sleigh for a trial spin and had crashed it. The goblins, in their usual uncooperative way, had said it would take hours to fix it in their workshops.
Scandinavians Give Bridport The Finger - The Christmas tree in Bucky Doo square is a standing testement to how the Scandinavians have decided that Bridport is yesterdays town.
The letter to the public administration committee, dated November 13th, states that "considerable progress continues to be made" in the inquiry. Police are investigating claims that parties offered wealthy businessmen a seat in the House of Sponsored by Polomint in return for a financial contribution (bleedin’ backhanders), and that this money was made in loans rather than donations to keep them out of the public eyes. 
Have you found yourself saying "The youth of today have no respect" or "In my day you could catch the train to West Bay, have a slap up fish dinner, three pints of IPA and catch the charabanc home and still have change out of a farthing" Well here's another feature we've revived from the archives that might appeal to you. especially if you are one of the elite Grumpy Old Gits.
Nocturnal execution of thousands of kangaroos at the Bridport euro abbattoir. I have been awakened every morning at around 4.00 am by rough voices and revving engines and slamming doors. One morning last week I decided to investigate which unfortunate anmal was being delivered to its fate at such an ungodly hour. I leapt from my bed - actually I crawled groaning from my bed, but this was before the teeth, groin accidents, and went slowly down the stairs then I was in the street, directly next to live animal lorry. 
