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Monday, 06 October 2008 ~

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DOCTOR MALICIOUS

Results 26 - 50 of 80

Posted by Rustic, on 02-05-2007 15:44,

Sorry nurse I have made a mess now

Posted by Jam Mistress, on 03-05-2007 16:17,

Dear Nurse Scathing, Can you please explain your relationship (professional or otherwise) to Dr. Malicious & confirm his credentials? I have been furiously 'Googling' him and can find nothing of the sort to offer any confidence in his knowledge and experience as a Doctor. Are you in evil cahoots with this nere-do-well in docs-clothing? And what is he REALLY doing this week - I believe possibly something in Eastern Europe involving live experimentation...? ______________________________ Dear Jam Mistress Furiously googling is a serious affliction for many people these days - you can alleviate any chaffing by using an all-over liberal coating of baby oil and bird seed mixture, I recommend the freshly rendered baby oil made by Dr Helmut von Gross-man Malicious in whose factory I met the good Doctor Malicious when he came to my aid after my accident with the skin stretching machine.

Posted by Bentley, on 07-05-2007 21:39,

'ere, Nurse, How come?

Posted by draino, on 14-05-2007 11:24,

Dear Doc When I give way to an oncoming driver and they fail to acknowledge me by not even lifting a finger - I then have to turn around and follow them until I get a chance to pull them over and stab them in the face. Can something be done for these people with such a lack of manners? ______________________________ _______ Dearest Draino You have two issues. 1. You are too submissive. Only give way if the law of the land requires it. 2. Your eternal search for reciprocal gratitude is indeed routed deep in your past. Did you not receive enough attention as a child? So Draino, get over it. What do you want? A medal? And if you're giving way when you don't legally have to, your door-mat-ish approach to driving is only going to invite people to take advantage of you. You can always rely on me to raise the ""finger"" in your direction Draino. It'd be my pleasure! NEXT! Dr. Malicious.

Posted by Jam Mistress, on 14-05-2007 17:08,

Dear Dr. Malicious, I have recently found myself ‘with child’ – a wonderous, magical time I’m sure you will agree, however I am currently struggling with identity issues. I am married, in employment and most astonishingly I am above legal age for buying alcohol, therefore I am a little perplexed at my unique and somewhat lonely position. Am I destined for a life of ridicule and solitude at my shameful existence? Or should I dump my husband for some benefit cheat chavver in a trucker cap, buy some leggings (perhaps Ooaargh can assist me with this) and sign on immediately? To be honest it would give me a perfect excuse to brazenly start smoking and drinking in public again without suffering the inevitable gasps of horror & disgust I would currently be victim of as a ‘respectable’ society member. While I’m here – any advice on limiting the onslaught of heammorroids & varicose veins? I wish to have neither. Many thanks, ‘Fat & Confused’ ______________________________ _____ Dear Fat & Confused I am having difficulty sympathising with you, considering I was grown in a petri-dish on the north-east side of a rabbit dropping. Having stupidly missed the boat with your chances at sponging vast amounts of hard-working tax payers dosh, your hopes of continuing to enjoy guilt-free binge drinking and chain-smoking are somewhat dashed ARE THEY NOT!? I believe that Instant Redress (The tat shop that illegaly parks a rail of clothes on the double yellows) do an excellent ""Pre-pubescent Pregnant Chav-Slut"" costume, thoughtfully accessorised by: - a bag of fresh vomit (for spilling down your front early in the evening) - Mount Etna White-Head(TM) Acne stick-on spots - Amphetamine Dinner-Plate Pupils Contact Lenses (TM) - Stinking Mackerel Authentic Feminine Spray (TM) ...and to attempt to cover it up - Haze(TM) Peach Blossom Toilet Spray - and finally, yellow teeth-stainer. Once adorned by this outfit, not only will you be able to Sniff Glue, Smoke Fags, Happy slap OAPs and drink neat vodka direct from an Evian bottle whilst happily carrying your bundle of joy in your toxin-ridden body, but you will attract a suitable replacement husband within a matter of seconds. If one iota of shame should enter your drug-addled brain, this can be shot away with the thought that no matter how clean you could be living your life now, your child will still be floating in it's own feaces for a good couple of months before birth! NEXT!

Posted by Denzlepob_at_work, on 31-05-2007 10:10,

Dear Mr Rustic, what part of 99 Red Balloons was he dancing to? The quick bit or the slow bit? Cameras everywhere...........

Posted by shagsack, on 31-05-2007 19:05,

dunno if the doc's still busy mate, -last i heard he was called in to oversee the final stages of the new surgerys 'alternative therapy basement' where i hear he's going to be 'practicing' in a more hands-on way!

Posted by Carlito, on 01-06-2007 11:39,

Dearest Denzlepob_at_work My best advice to you is to carefully remove the seat of your trousers and consume nothing but porridge for 2 weeks without defecation. Now, timing is everything here Denzelpob so you must be extremely strong minded and refrain from defecation until you feel that you are in danger of fecal vomitting. When, as the saying goes your are ""touching cloth...at BOTH ends, attempt to force out your sizable stool. The stool should be of the correct size and consistency in order to cause a ""Full Thickness"" Anal Prolapse of at least 5 inches in diameter. This large, red, fleshy prolapse will protrude neatly through the hole in the seat of your trousers and act as a temporary rear light until you are able to dispose of your 80's scrambler and replace it with a more up to date model. Should you be unable to retract your prolapse at will, Nurse Scathing will be able to assist you with the help of her fine collection of rare Edwardian cutlery. NEXT! Dr. Malicious.

Posted by goccibos, on 01-06-2007 12:18,

......you know when you are a child and you are told something is wrong or not to do it, then you have the urge to do it anyway?! I have an unhealthy urge to search for porn at work! I know I will get the sack but I just can't resist. Also this infliction only happens at work, I need help quick before I do a www.bigboobsandbushes.com search!! HELP

Posted by Denzlepob_at_work, on 02-06-2007 18:44,

Is you saying I is Anal Lee Retentative? I still need a lens.

Posted by Carlito, on 06-06-2007 08:51,

Dearest Goccibos Although it is truly concerning that you link your barely-controlable urge to view pornography at your desk with a child-like need to break rules, I would suggest that you move desks and position yourself opposite the least attractive female in your office. I believe that Tzchibo can supply a range of digital vocal enhancers that fit discreetly into your inner ear. These devices can turn the dulcet tones of the RP accent to the searing aural sewerage of a Geordie whore. With any luck your new work companion will perch her vast hairy buttocks on the edge of her buckling office chair, legs apart, surrounding you with the heady aroma of her unchanged underwear, and drooling at you from across the sea of cuddly toy desk mascots. Nausea, I think you will find, will be the ultimate antidote to the ""horn"". In the event that you are unable to find such a 'beauty' in your office, I would heartily recommend that you bribe your IT Manager to gain their descretion in this area. You will find that, when plied with cash, most IT Managers will not only be very understanding, but may also offer you some useful links to get you started. NEXT! Dr. Malicious

Posted by Denzlepob_at_work, on 06-06-2007 09:51,

Dear Dr Malicious, will you be charging for evening visits like the NHS?

Posted by Rosieo6, on 06-06-2007 14:46,

Put message on here with the extra 3 mins ooaargh.

Posted by Denzlepob_at_work, on 07-06-2007 19:27,

Well I stiil ain't found that rear light light for my Yamaha IT250, you ain't all that.

Posted by goccibos, on 11-06-2007 08:03,

Dearest Bat You sound like just the person the Dr suggests I hook up with (see 34/36 above)......are you up for it? I can smeel the aroma from here......umm

Posted by Carlito, on 11-06-2007 10:52,

Dearest Goccibos With your healthy obsession with pornography, and The Bat's un-nerving enthusiasm for stealth firearms, I would only suggest that perhaps you two go into business together to form a new martial art. Porn-ammo perhaps? Dr. Malicious

Posted by The Bat, on 11-06-2007 10:54,

Dear Doctor M I want to be a woman, and I want to be called 'Cassandra'. I have experimented with women's clothing for several years now in anticipation of 'The Big Op'. Trouble is, I am built like a brick s**thouse and don't look good in halter tops and high heels. What do you suggest? ______________________________ Doctor Malicious replies... Dearest The Bat I can recommend a good trans-gender surgeon, the esteemed Dr. Manette Van Ladysack. He has pioneered in this field since Adolf Hitler was rescued from his bunker and miraculously transformed into a young and ambitious woman. 35 years later she/he became Britian's first female Priminster, Margaret Thatcher. In the meantime, and to satisfy your desire to convincingly parade yourself about in femine clothing, I would strongly suggest that you emmerse youself fully in the latex fetish. In a full latex cat suit complete with gimp mask and high heels, your sexual identity will remain a total mystery. You can combine this suit tastefully with French Maid outfits, or perhaps go for that secretarial look. You will also be able to use this suit in your role as Bridport's very own Chav-culling sniper, and could perhaps change your motto to ""One Hit, One Kill, Tight Crotch, Cheap Thrill."" Please see www.houseofharlot.com for a fine collection of Latex clothing used famously by ""celebrities"" such as Beyonce, Marilyn Manson, Charlotte Church, and the vomit-inducing STEPS. I will give your details to Dr. Manette Van Ladysack who will contact you shortly, in his own special way. Should you be unable to afford his rates, I can also recommend a hypnotist who specialises in hypnotising the wives of men who require castration, to enable them to perform the surgery themselves, and with the most basic of tools. NEXT!

Posted by goccibos, on 11-06-2007 13:22,

I was more interested in Bats cross dressing skills (40) but I suppose the Bat could hold my hand gun while I cock his rifle and polish the barrel....ummm Our first venture would be a website www.cocknbarrel.orgy Joining me Bat?

Posted by Rustic, on 14-06-2007 16:53,

Dear Doctor , I have just bought a second hand Roger Rabbit vibrating sex toy from Scope and I have to say that my life has been transformed. The only trouble is that being a man I can only really find one use for it and the A&E in Dorch are getting a bit sick of retrieving it for me. Any ideas?

Posted by Denzlepob_at_work, on 15-06-2007 07:25,

Any news on my rear light?

Posted by goccibos, on 15-06-2007 07:44,

I wondered where I lost it Rustic, perhaps you could join me and the Bat in a joint venture?!

Posted by Carlito, on 15-06-2007 12:24,

Dearest Rustic Yes, I could imaging that being devoid of bristles, the vibrating sex toy would make a rather precarious toothbrush, and would be prone to slipping down one's gullet (which, as a man, is what I expect you are referring to Rustic.) May I suggest that you use it for what it was intended for, which is ramming it with all your might deeply into your rectum in man's eternal search for the male G-Spot? Remember to ensure that your plumbing has been flushed thoroughly before-hand. You wouldn't want your search party to turn into some sort of sordid excavation now would you Rustic? Should you find yourself staring blankly at your ceiling, with your member in one hand and other one working furiously away at the rear, and come to that sudden realisation that your life may be worth more than this disgusting endeavor...here are a few alternative uses for a pre-worn Roger Rabbit Sex Toy: - Deep Throat Trainer (although a rolling pin would also suffice) - Whisk - Temporary manual car indicator - Classroom blackboard pointer - Tent Peg - Catapult (assuming the vibrator is of the ""finger and thumb"" variety). Should none of the above relieve you in any way, I would suggest that you Exhibit the toy, along with a Triptych of X-rays, showing the toy at various stages in your lower intestine, at the Allsop Gallery, Bridport Arts Centre. I would be fascinated to attend the private view. NEXT! Dr. Malicious

Posted by Carlito, on 15-06-2007 13:51,

Dearest Denzlepob_at_work I assume that you have been unable to sustain your prolapse and are still in need of a rear light for your Yamaha. Listen, dear patient, I am a Doctor, not an Autobitz Sales Assistant. Take your rear light request and insert it sideways into your urethral opening. NEXT! Dr. Malicious

Posted by Jam Mistress, on 26-06-2007 11:35,

I yesterday had my dog castrated and am now filled with a guilt-ridden hatred of myself as he pads around without his usual mirth and has stopped licking me. He has however stopped mounting my bitch - should this be enough of a saving grace to make me feel i have 'done the right thing'?

Posted by The Bat, on 26-06-2007 19:48,

Dear Doctor Malicious You are a git.

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