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DOCTOR MALICIOUS

Results 51 - 75 of 80

Posted by Carlito, on 27-06-2007 09:35,

PARENTAL ADVISORY - DISGUSTING CONTENT Dearest Jam Mistress The revolting mutilation of your hound is all your doing, and I would strongly suggest that you now beat yourself between the eyes with the severed organs until you begin to bleed from the nose. The searing pain, and overwhelming smell of decaying canine seminal fluid should effectively rid you of any guilt that you may be feeling. And no Jam Mistress, you haven't done the ""right thing"", you have denied your bitch her regular filling (as I have once heard it called). This is DESPICABLE behaviour, and I can only imagine what your husband may have to do in order to satisfy the bitch, in the absence of your dog's testicles. NEXT! Dr. Malicious HEAVILY EDITED

Posted by Carlito, on 28-06-2007 09:45,

Dearest Editor May I please be so bold as to suggest that if you are going to start heavily editing my advice, perhaps you would look back through the catalogue of comments and see what you have deemed worthy for publishing in the past. Having seem these symtoms before, it is obvious that you are suffering from a selective strain of short-term memory loss. NEXT! Dr. Malicious

Posted by Rustic, on 04-07-2007 05:41,

Dear Doctor I am suffering from a dose of heavy editing. I sent in a question for you last week about a certain throbbing member I found in my pants and its sunsequent homemade treatment and it was so heavily edited it didn't even make it to the page. Is this a wide spread epidemic or just localised to foul mouthed dirty thinkers like me and pathalogical weirdos like you

Posted by Carlito, on 04-07-2007 11:16,

Dearest Rustic It reminds of a time in my distant youth. Bavaria in those days was a prosperous region of Germany. Although rural, the farming was intense, and sustained much of the nation's agricultural needs well into the 1st world war. I lived alone in a disused windmill that I had converted into a young scientist's secret grotto. All of the fruits of my labour were around me. The old windmill powered all of my machinery; My first automatic circumcision device, my ""mad-gunmen"" rifle rest and automatic reloader (known as the ""mad gunmen"" thanks to it's indiscriminate movement), my electrified hamster cage (very popular) and my most controversial discovery, a lotion that when applied to the hands will subtly change colour on contact with a 3rd party, on the detection of deviance and perversion. Allow me to explain. You would apply a clear gel-like substance to your hands, which is absorbed into your skin. On shaking hands with a fellow German, your hand would remain normal, if the fellow German was a virtuous chap. Should he be a disgusting, amoral and perverted excuse for a god-fearing crout, your hand would turn to a very slight shade of orange. This lotion was used widely by the clergy for the ordination of new bishops, by the Polizei when handling suspects, by the German army for recruiting new troops. This is where the problems began. A new, ever popular army general was gaining more and more support and I was called to advise on a new method for cracking enemy communications by means of a cipher device. On greeting him, my hands did not turn orange. They turned red, and they burned, they burned and they burned. Large blisters formed within a matter of minutes and I could do no more but to scream in pain. Heir Hitler had me sent to the infirmary where I was questioned on the source of my apparent ailment. I refused to answer, and was tortured within an inch of the torturer's wife, who enjoyed watching me suffer. To this day, I have been unable to pass a stool without colonic irrigation. I was finally released when I reluctantly agreed to destroy all documentation regarding the lotion, and look that evil man in the eye and promise NEVER to tell this tale, that now I am giving to you Rustic. Coming back to the point, censorship, limitation and control were the foundations of Nazi Germany and many other dictatorships, and here we are 70 years older, and supposedly 70 years wiser, and still being censored by a democratically elected goverment, who's policies still filter down to the editor's of this website. They will publish the most disgusting advice I can muster, and at the same time censor the occasional taboo word. We must remember Rustic, that there is no such thing as the truth. Everything in the media has been censored. Everything on the wwweb has had to be typed by someone, recorded by someone, who chose to show what is shown and what is not. Even ""face to face"", the last hope for truth, the portrayer can choose to say or not say what they feel. This in itself is censorship. There is no truth, and we are bound by versions of it. The question is, Rustic, which version do you want to believe? NEXT! Dr. Malicious

Posted by Sprockley, on 30-07-2007 15:32,

Dearest Dr Malicious, I thank you for your earlier advice and now feel it is time to update you on the problem of my boyfriends enormous appendige! As advised I tried slicing it in half with a cat tin lid, although to my amazement it grew back in an hour to twice its original size. I really do feel that the beast is a seperate organism to the rest of his body. Last night it tried to beat me horribly whilst I was snoozing on the sofa! My boyfriend however was fast asleep at the time and unaware of what his beast was doing! This is your fault Dr Malicous! Please put it right. Perhaps a home visit might be in order! Awaiting your professional help! Sprockley

Posted by tuzo, on 31-07-2007 23:06,

nothing silly in trying to point out an oxymoron, unless of course it is to a regular moron, then its pointless (C.21)

Posted by The Bat, on 01-08-2007 06:14,

Dear Doctor Malicious The thread on Bridport Radio entitled 'SUNNY WEATHER DAZE' has a photo of a blonde lady trying to smoke an extra large tampon. Could you give me her name and telephone number please?

Posted by Carlito, on 01-08-2007 16:19,

Dearest The Bat I am sure that the Editor may be able to assist with your contact request. (It's Paris Hilton - I think she lives up H Bloc - Ed) But I must underline that there are easier ways find women into Menstrual Haematophilia... Why not conduct your own survey this weekend in Bucky-Doo Square? NEXT! Dr. Malicious

Posted by goccibos, on 02-08-2007 10:39,

Dear Dr, an update for my records; On your advice (36) I toured the array of Tzchibo quality items on offer. Instead of going for what you suggested I happened upon an executive desktop ""quick one off the wrist"" device which has cured me of my porn adiction and keeps my colleagues amused at the same time. Thanks again Doc So when you feel the horn reach for the Tzchibo ""quick one off the wrist""... quality at your fingertips. For quick, long lasting results.

Posted by The Bat, on 03-08-2007 21:55,

Dear Doctor Capricious Can you advise me who won the design a Mikkimug competition which was supposed to end on the 31st of July????? PS. You're a git.

Posted by Denzlepob_at_work, on 28-08-2007 16:13,

Any news on my rear light?

Posted by Rustic, on 14-01-2008 08:38,

Dear Doctor, Why is it that so many of the ""yoofs"" of today insist on speaking in a ridiculous, fake, Harlem gangsta, pimp accent"". I overheard a snotty nosed little brat of about 12, who I know was bred locally by proper speaking local accented people, telling a female shop keeper to ""stop bitchin me innit"" when asked to either buy some sweets or stop mucking about with them. I resisted the temptation to kick the dopey little toe-rag up the arse, however remain aghast at the drift into this inane, moronic, bastardisation of the English language. Is it normal on hearing this ""chav-scum"" speak to have an irresistable urge to cause immense physical pain to the vocalisers. Coming from the mouth of a blinged up african/american member of some street gang from new york who has just released his first album it sounds about right, but coming from the mouth of a spotty little h-block 12 year old chav wannabe it just sounds pathetic.

Posted by tuzo, on 14-01-2008 11:44,

Interesting point (rustic 62) A member of my family decided in his teens to adopt a south east London accent (for reasons best known to himself?) He is now stuck with it, although manages to revert to his original accent when in the company of... grandmother or such, he regrets his choice and admits it has held him back. However, language, accents, intonations and delivery are all pretty fluid, and I for one enjoy hearing all the different takes on it, you gotta smile when you hear some of the stuff innit?

Posted by Doctor Malicious, on 15-01-2008 07:20,

Dearest Rustic (62) Chavs are white-trash, even the filthiest-rich chavs are plain white-trash. They come from nothing, aspire to nothing, contribute nothing, and in the end, will come to nothing. In fact the only benefit they offer to modern society is a reassuring benchmark that represents the total failure of a civilized member of the species, against which you can comfortably measure your own success...no matter how insignificant. Their chosen form of simple communication is designed to be understood purely by their own mis-guided counterparts, as a way of creating a sub-culture impenetrable to the English speaking majority. I would assume that most of the successful, talented musicians emerging from the rap music industry would be horrified to discover how their unique form of the language had been cannibalised by Dorset-dwelling chavlings, and used deliberately in everyday life to intimidate good people. My advice to you in dealing with these exchanges would be to baffle and disorientate the offending party by offering them, in the politest way possible, the opportunity to join you for afternoon tea. Afternoon tea has triumphed throughout history as a cultural suture, and if a round of cucumber sandwiches and a fresh pot of Assam can bring together whole subcontinents, I can see no reason why a little well placed refinement couldn't save a common chav from a life of underachievement and class-based loathing. Allow me to, if I may, recommend the veritable bible in this area, known as ""The Gentlemen's Guide To: Afternoon Tea, High Tea, The Cocktail Hour, and the creative use of gin for all occasions"" by a collaboration of Authors; Singeon Fotheringay-Whelps, Ernest Peters-Smythe and Rupert ""Gin Monkey"" Fopp (known more for his pioneering research into the effects of Gin at the workplace). I would be grateful to hear news of your attempts, should any be successful. NEXT! Dr. Malicious Coming Soon: www.doctormalicious.com

Posted by tuzo, on 15-01-2008 10:41,

Dear doctor (by the way what did you get a degree in?) for the sake of this debate, lets have a proper description of a ""chav"".. so far clothes, accent, and general dislike of them is all we hear. If i was to wear a shell suit and speak with an affected accent would i then become a chav, or is it more complicated than that?

Posted by SISTER CEPTIC, on 15-01-2008 12:01,

Dearest Tuzo The Doctor Malicious pages are not open to debate. The format must be followed strictly to stop the thread from spiraling into a standard comments thread. Please contact the editor if you wish to begin a new Chav-Debate thread. Or go to chavscum.com SISTER CEPTIC (c/o DOCTOR MALICIOUS)

Posted by goccibos, on 17-01-2008 12:24,

Dear Dr M Over the festive period I developed a sore head which after much rubbing has blistered and turned purple. To counteract the effects I've turned to wearing tracksuit bottoms. The problem is I find them so comfortable I've now started wearing white training shoes and am also considering a new Umbro jacket and baseball cap. I'm not sure which is more serious, can you help?

Posted by Edith Ponsonby, on 21-01-2008 10:35,

Sunday 19th January 2008 Dear Doctor Malicious, I recently visited the area to take part in the Bridport & West Dorset Annual Chav Shoot. To my dismay, nobody seems to know where the shoot takes place. Can you enlighten me? Yours sincerely Edith Ponsonby

Posted by Jammie Dodger, on 24-01-2008 13:38,

Dearest Edith(69) The Bartlett’s of Bridport sponsored Bridport & West Dorset Annual Chav Shoot has been heavily critised over the years, mainly by the Countryside Alliance for failing to inflict enough pain and suffering on the Chav. Following new guidelines, instructing the shoot to fatally wound, rather than kill outright the Chav, the shoot has moved from an annual shoot, to regular weekend shoots through out the Chav-Seasons. Unlike grouse and pheasant seasons, the Chav Seasons allow a window for not only the killing of Chavs, but the legal torture and mutilation of Chavs, with discounts available on your next license renewal should you convert a Chav to a normal and honest way of life. I believe the next shoot will be held informally at the Symondsbury Fete beer tent. I am reliably informed that Chavs at this event may be more challenging targets, due to their unpredictable movements, emaciated pale torsos that reflect the sun directly into your sights, and the prominence of normal folk that must be spared their lives in the process. NEXT! Dr. Malicious P.S. – Goccibos(68), I recommend you attend Symondsbury Fete this year in all your Chav glory. “Death before dishonor” eh?

Posted by Jammie Dodger, on 24-01-2008 13:39,

Dear Doc - I am in serious trouble with my husband. I was supposed to be home by 8.30pm last night, but instead I met up with a few friends and didn't make it back until 1am. To top it all, I locked myself out so had to wake him up to let me in. He is furious with me, and doesn't seem to understand that my friends made me do it. How can I make it up to him? Any suggestions? Help!

Posted by goccibos, on 24-01-2008 13:42,

RE (67) After some research on the net I have discovered that it is a disease called ""Chavissis"". Contracted through close contact with Chavs either by exchange of bodily fluids or contact with items of sports wear. I can find no cure so dis advice u av wood be like soo cool.

Posted by Doctor Malicious, on 24-01-2008 13:42,

Dearest Jammie Dodger (71) I will answer this in two ways and you can chose which one suits you. Solution 1 Peer pressure is never the cause, it’s only a trigger. What you need to do is admit to yourself that you really wanted to stay out, and at every stage of the evening when you didn’t call it a night and head home was because you chose not to, not because your arm was twisted behind your back and a gun was to your head. Once you’ve overcome the denial, and become to accept that sometimes you would rather be getting inebriated with your chums than sleeping next to your husband, the guilt will pass, the self-loathing will ease, and you will become proud that you can accept these moments and not feel indebted to your husband, and not feel pressured to make it up to him. A wife who is comfortable with herself, confident on the outside and on the inside, is more valuable to any husband, than any gesture you could rustle up in search for forgiveness. Regarding the key-issue that quite possibly turned this into a night you could have got away with, into a night with an angry man involved, I can offer this advice, leave a key for the back door in a strategic position in the back garden and deduce a “drunk and can’t get in” emergency route to your back door. Solution 2 To address the main issue of how you can make this up to your husband, give him some options…perhaps: 1. Sex every night for two weeks regardless of how tired you (or he) may be. 2. Ask him to provide two dates of his choice in the future where is able to have a no strings-attached lads night out. 3. Provide beer in a glass on his arrival every night from work and a 30 minute “down time” before unleashing domestic warfare on him. I would be interested to see if any or none of the above satisfy the situation. NEXT! Dr. Malicious

Posted by Jammie Dodger, on 28-01-2008 11:54,

Dear Doc. I AM LIBERATED! I thought long and hard about your advice, and by saturday night decided that Solution 1 was by far the better option. So, I did it all again, and excelled myself by staying in bed all day on sunday. Without even asking! I no longer feel guilty. Thanks so much for your advice, I will certainly contact you again next time my marriage breaks down.

Posted by goccibos, on 29-01-2008 08:35,

Fanks (the PS on 70)I won't go to a Fete, no way dude, its like soo for dead people, anyway i'd av to walk and like get up early or somefing. Diadorra rules

Posted by Doctor Malicious, on 30-01-2008 15:46,

Dearest Jammie Dodger (73) Far from “liberated” I feel, Mrs Dodger. Rather than blame peer pressure on your Saturday night venture, you have used my advice as an excuse, and have attempted to pass the guilt on-to a third party, thus relieving your own conscience. What you need to be asking yourself is; what are you running away from Mrs Dodger? Or shall I say, what are you “Dodging?” NEXT! Dr. Malicious

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