Dear Doctor, Why is it that so many of the ""yoofs"" of today insist on speaking in a ridiculous, fake, Harlem gangsta, pimp accent"". I overheard a snotty nosed little brat of about 12, who I know was bred locally by proper speaking local accented people, telling a female shop keeper to ""stop bitchin me innit"" when asked to either buy some sweets or stop mucking about with them. I resisted the temptation to kick the dopey little toe-rag up the arse, however remain aghast at the drift into this inane, moronic, bastardisation of the English language. Is it normal on hearing this ""chav-scum"" speak to have an irresistable urge to cause immense physical pain to the vocalisers. Coming from the mouth of a blinged up african/american member of some street gang from new york who has just released his first album it sounds about right, but coming from the mouth of a spotty little h-block 12 year old chav wannabe it just sounds pathetic.
Posted by tuzo, on 14-01-2008 12:44,
Interesting point (rustic 62) A member of my family decided in his teens to adopt a south east London accent (for reasons best known to himself?) He is now stuck with it, although manages to revert to his original accent when in the company of... grandmother or such, he regrets his choice and admits it has held him back. However, language, accents, intonations and delivery are all pretty fluid, and I for one enjoy hearing all the different takes on it, you gotta smile when you hear some of the stuff innit?
Posted by Doctor Malicious, on 15-01-2008 08:20,
Dearest Rustic (62) Chavs are white-trash, even the filthiest-rich chavs are plain white-trash. They come from nothing, aspire to nothing, contribute nothing, and in the end, will come to nothing. In fact the only benefit they offer to modern society is a reassuring benchmark that represents the total failure of a civilized member of the species, against which you can comfortably measure your own success...no matter how insignificant. Their chosen form of simple communication is designed to be understood purely by their own mis-guided counterparts, as a way of creating a sub-culture impenetrable to the English speaking majority. I would assume that most of the successful, talented musicians emerging from the rap music industry would be horrified to discover how their unique form of the language had been cannibalised by Dorset-dwelling chavlings, and used deliberately in everyday life to intimidate good people. My advice to you in dealing with these exchanges would be to baffle and disorientate the offending party by offering them, in the politest way possible, the opportunity to join you for afternoon tea. Afternoon tea has triumphed throughout history as a cultural suture, and if a round of cucumber sandwiches and a fresh pot of Assam can bring together whole subcontinents, I can see no reason why a little well placed refinement couldn't save a common chav from a life of underachievement and class-based loathing. Allow me to, if I may, recommend the veritable bible in this area, known as ""The Gentlemen's Guide To: Afternoon Tea, High Tea, The Cocktail Hour, and the creative use of gin for all occasions"" by a collaboration of Authors; Singeon Fotheringay-Whelps, Ernest Peters-Smythe and Rupert ""Gin Monkey"" Fopp (known more for his pioneering research into the effects of Gin at the workplace). I would be grateful to hear news of your attempts, should any be successful. NEXT! Dr. Malicious Coming Soon: www.doctormalicious.com
Posted by tuzo, on 15-01-2008 11:41,
Dear doctor (by the way what did you get a degree in?) for the sake of this debate, lets have a proper description of a ""chav"".. so far clothes, accent, and general dislike of them is all we hear. If i was to wear a shell suit and speak with an affected accent would i then become a chav, or is it more complicated than that?
Posted by SISTER CEPTIC, on 15-01-2008 13:01,
Dearest Tuzo The Doctor Malicious pages are not open to debate. The format must be followed strictly to stop the thread from spiraling into a standard comments thread. Please contact the editor if you wish to begin a new Chav-Debate thread. Or go to chavscum.com SISTER CEPTIC (c/o DOCTOR MALICIOUS)
Posted by goccibos, on 17-01-2008 13:24,
Dear Dr M Over the festive period I developed a sore head which after much rubbing has blistered and turned purple. To counteract the effects I've turned to wearing tracksuit bottoms. The problem is I find them so comfortable I've now started wearing white training shoes and am also considering a new Umbro jacket and baseball cap. I'm not sure which is more serious, can you help?
Posted by Edith Ponsonby, on 21-01-2008 11:35,
Sunday 19th January 2008 Dear Doctor Malicious, I recently visited the area to take part in the Bridport & West Dorset Annual Chav Shoot. To my dismay, nobody seems to know where the shoot takes place. Can you enlighten me? Yours sincerely Edith Ponsonby
Posted by Jammie Dodger, on 24-01-2008 14:38,
Dearest Edith(69) The Bartlett’s of Bridport sponsored Bridport & West Dorset Annual Chav Shoot has been heavily critised over the years, mainly by the Countryside Alliance for failing to inflict enough pain and suffering on the Chav. Following new guidelines, instructing the shoot to fatally wound, rather than kill outright the Chav, the shoot has moved from an annual shoot, to regular weekend shoots through out the Chav-Seasons. Unlike grouse and pheasant seasons, the Chav Seasons allow a window for not only the killing of Chavs, but the legal torture and mutilation of Chavs, with discounts available on your next license renewal should you convert a Chav to a normal and honest way of life. I believe the next shoot will be held informally at the Symondsbury Fete beer tent. I am reliably informed that Chavs at this event may be more challenging targets, due to their unpredictable movements, emaciated pale torsos that reflect the sun directly into your sights, and the prominence of normal folk that must be spared their lives in the process. NEXT! Dr. Malicious P.S. – Goccibos(68), I recommend you attend Symondsbury Fete this year in all your Chav glory. “Death before dishonor” eh?
Posted by Jammie Dodger, on 24-01-2008 14:39,
Dear Doc - I am in serious trouble with my husband. I was supposed to be home by 8.30pm last night, but instead I met up with a few friends and didn't make it back until 1am. To top it all, I locked myself out so had to wake him up to let me in. He is furious with me, and doesn't seem to understand that my friends made me do it. How can I make it up to him? Any suggestions? Help!
Posted by goccibos, on 24-01-2008 14:42,
RE (67) After some research on the net I have discovered that it is a disease called ""Chavissis"". Contracted through close contact with Chavs either by exchange of bodily fluids or contact with items of sports wear. I can find no cure so dis advice u av wood be like soo cool.
Posted by Doctor Malicious, on 24-01-2008 14:42,
Dearest Jammie Dodger (71) I will answer this in two ways and you can chose which one suits you. Solution 1 Peer pressure is never the cause, it’s only a trigger. What you need to do is admit to yourself that you really wanted to stay out, and at every stage of the evening when you didn’t call it a night and head home was because you chose not to, not because your arm was twisted behind your back and a gun was to your head. Once you’ve overcome the denial, and become to accept that sometimes you would rather be getting inebriated with your chums than sleeping next to your husband, the guilt will pass, the self-loathing will ease, and you will become proud that you can accept these moments and not feel indebted to your husband, and not feel pressured to make it up to him. A wife who is comfortable with herself, confident on the outside and on the inside, is more valuable to any husband, than any gesture you could rustle up in search for forgiveness. Regarding the key-issue that quite possibly turned this into a night you could have got away with, into a night with an angry man involved, I can offer this advice, leave a key for the back door in a strategic position in the back garden and deduce a “drunk and can’t get in” emergency route to your back door. Solution 2 To address the main issue of how you can make this up to your husband, give him some options…perhaps: 1. Sex every night for two weeks regardless of how tired you (or he) may be. 2. Ask him to provide two dates of his choice in the future where is able to have a no strings-attached lads night out. 3. Provide beer in a glass on his arrival every night from work and a 30 minute “down time” before unleashing domestic warfare on him. I would be interested to see if any or none of the above satisfy the situation. NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by Jammie Dodger, on 28-01-2008 12:54,
Dear Doc. I AM LIBERATED! I thought long and hard about your advice, and by saturday night decided that Solution 1 was by far the better option. So, I did it all again, and excelled myself by staying in bed all day on sunday. Without even asking! I no longer feel guilty. Thanks so much for your advice, I will certainly contact you again next time my marriage breaks down.
Posted by goccibos, on 29-01-2008 09:35,
Fanks (the PS on 70)I won't go to a Fete, no way dude, its like soo for dead people, anyway i'd av to walk and like get up early or somefing. Diadorra rules
Posted by Doctor Malicious, on 30-01-2008 16:46,
Dearest Jammie Dodger (73) Far from “liberated” I feel, Mrs Dodger. Rather than blame peer pressure on your Saturday night venture, you have used my advice as an excuse, and have attempted to pass the guilt on-to a third party, thus relieving your own conscience. What you need to be asking yourself is; what are you running away from Mrs Dodger? Or shall I say, what are you “Dodging?” NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by Edith Ponsonby, on 30-01-2008 16:47,
Dear Doctor Malicious, Symondsbury Fete it is then. Goccibos and his allies must stand up and be counted. And then annihilated. Unless of course he wishes to redeem himself in the meantime.. I shall come alone, and leave the area well and truly cleansed. Best regards, fellow hunter. Edith.
Posted by Jammie Dodger, on 04-02-2008 15:54,
Dear Doctor Malicious. You can't just go recommending courses of action and then backtrack when someone actually acts on your advice. Not fair. I did what you said in solution 1. Do you really think that creepy grovelling (as per solution 2) would have made my situation any better? Are you just a tad envious that I managed to come out of the situation relatively unscathed? Have you been here before? Would you have preferred that I did the dutiful wife thing and door-matted myself in penance for my random act of debauchery? Have no fear - your name was not mentioned. Your previous advice made me a better, stronger person. You know what they say - ""if you can't beat 'em, join 'em"" - and I'm all for empowering people. Regards, Jammie Dodger. PS. I am not running away from anything, just trying to live life, and not be a martyr.
Posted by Doctor Malicious, on 04-02-2008 20:19,
Dearest Jammie Dodger (77) Please accept my profoundest and sincerest apologies. Nurse Septic had replied to you on my behalf without my authority, and I have since placed her in my laboratory for punishments that I see fit for such a poor judgment. I am GLAD you now feel empowered. Just ensure that your new found empowerment doesn’t come at a cost. I believe the saying is, “there’s no such thing as a free lunch”, in which there is much truth, although you may find that if a succession of free lunches is had, you may get away with the odd one or two. Moving forward Mrs Dodger, I would recommend a course in BDSM in order hone your newly empowered senses around the house. Be careful to avoid excessive bleeding and remember that pain is only in the mind of the receiver. I must now go and attend to Nurse Septic, who seems to have recovered from her last session and now needs her catheter replacing. Perhaps I should use the serrated version this time. NEXT! Dr. Malicious
Posted by Edith Ponsonby, on 08-02-2008 00:50,
Dear Doctor, I recently returned to Bridport and wonder if you have any views on goldfish? Regards, Edith
Posted by Doctor Malicious, on 11-02-2008 16:24,
Dearest Edith Some Don’ts and more Don’ts: Don’t use goldfish for pedal reflectors. Don’t ask a goldfish to lend you money. Don’t approach a goldfish from below. Don’t trust a goldfish with your children Don’t name your goldfish – it already has a name and it will hate you forever for calling it Graham. Don’t leave messages with your goldfish to relay to others. Don’t expect your goldfish to live beyond 2 weeks. And FINALLY Never underestimate a Goldfish. NEXT! Dr. Malicious
