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DOCTOR MALICIOUS

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Posted by Rustic, on 24-04-2007 22:24,

Ah Dr thats more like it. Tuzo, I am aware that gusto could be described as enthusiasm, or hearty enjoyment, or even delight, however at the inaptly named gusto market all they sell is overpriced foodstuffs already mentioned by the dear Dr. I just don't get the connection.

Posted by tuzo, on 25-04-2007 11:49,

the connection is a little feeble...you are supposed to exhibit gusto whilst consuming? i got there late and noticed some white peruvian apricots lingering....but didnt feel the smallest trace of gusto.....

Posted by Carlito, on 25-04-2007 17:02,

I'd say it's more a case of some idiot confusing ""Gastro"" with ""Gusto"". I don't like the idea of have to exhibit Gusto whilst eating. Eating with Gusto would result in terrible indegestion wouldn't it?

Posted by Bentley, on 27-04-2007 11:34,

Dr Malicious, I was in scummers the other day and noticed this rather unatractive, large woman pushing a pram and dragging 4 snotty nosed brats around with her, in itself no crime, but she was wearing ""PINK LEGGINGS"". When I caught sight of them I felt the urge to vomit and only just made it to an old ladys tartan wheelie basket in time to dump my lunchtime 6 pints of red. Is this normal? Are Pink Leggings allowed on women over a certain size? ------------------------------ ----------- Doctor Malicious says... Dearest Ooaargh There are two theories here: 1. Pink Leggings contain a mild hallucinogen that, when worn, release into the bloodstream of the wearer. This ""hit"" is enought to convince the wearer that they are a size 8 and look like Jessica Alba. 2. The huge amount of disgusting nicotine and prescription-drug-ridden LARD that these ""women"" carry around on their warped skeletons puts such a strain on their body's resources that the part of their brains that should register self-disgust and shame is rendered useless. My money's on the latter. My only criticism of your reaction is that perhaps you should have upturned the old-lady's wheelie basket on to the offending legging wearer, thus showering her in Vomit, Urine-soaked tissues, Lavender essence, forged pension Giros and a small and startled terrier called ""Jimmy"" - who, having been forgotten about for a couple of weeks, is very hungry and very irritable. Ahhh I can see it now. Pounds of useless flesh being gnawed at by a ravenous terrier whilst being beaten by an old lady...in the fresh fruit n' veg aisle. Poetry. NEXT! Dr. Malicious

Posted by The Bat, on 29-04-2007 19:46,

It's allowing it long enough to mature that's usually the problem.

Posted by Rustic, on 02-05-2007 15:44,

Sorry nurse I have made a mess now

Posted by Jam Mistress, on 03-05-2007 16:17,

Dear Nurse Scathing, Can you please explain your relationship (professional or otherwise) to Dr. Malicious & confirm his credentials? I have been furiously 'Googling' him and can find nothing of the sort to offer any confidence in his knowledge and experience as a Doctor. Are you in evil cahoots with this nere-do-well in docs-clothing? And what is he REALLY doing this week - I believe possibly something in Eastern Europe involving live experimentation...? ______________________________ Dear Jam Mistress Furiously googling is a serious affliction for many people these days - you can alleviate any chaffing by using an all-over liberal coating of baby oil and bird seed mixture, I recommend the freshly rendered baby oil made by Dr Helmut von Gross-man Malicious in whose factory I met the good Doctor Malicious when he came to my aid after my accident with the skin stretching machine.

Posted by Bentley, on 07-05-2007 21:39,

'ere, Nurse, How come?

Posted by draino, on 14-05-2007 11:24,

Dear Doc When I give way to an oncoming driver and they fail to acknowledge me by not even lifting a finger - I then have to turn around and follow them until I get a chance to pull them over and stab them in the face. Can something be done for these people with such a lack of manners? ______________________________ _______ Dearest Draino You have two issues. 1. You are too submissive. Only give way if the law of the land requires it. 2. Your eternal search for reciprocal gratitude is indeed routed deep in your past. Did you not receive enough attention as a child? So Draino, get over it. What do you want? A medal? And if you're giving way when you don't legally have to, your door-mat-ish approach to driving is only going to invite people to take advantage of you. You can always rely on me to raise the ""finger"" in your direction Draino. It'd be my pleasure! NEXT! Dr. Malicious.

Posted by Jam Mistress, on 14-05-2007 17:08,

Dear Dr. Malicious, I have recently found myself ‘with child’ – a wonderous, magical time I’m sure you will agree, however I am currently struggling with identity issues. I am married, in employment and most astonishingly I am above legal age for buying alcohol, therefore I am a little perplexed at my unique and somewhat lonely position. Am I destined for a life of ridicule and solitude at my shameful existence? Or should I dump my husband for some benefit cheat chavver in a trucker cap, buy some leggings (perhaps Ooaargh can assist me with this) and sign on immediately? To be honest it would give me a perfect excuse to brazenly start smoking and drinking in public again without suffering the inevitable gasps of horror & disgust I would currently be victim of as a ‘respectable’ society member. While I’m here – any advice on limiting the onslaught of heammorroids & varicose veins? I wish to have neither. Many thanks, ‘Fat & Confused’ ______________________________ _____ Dear Fat & Confused I am having difficulty sympathising with you, considering I was grown in a petri-dish on the north-east side of a rabbit dropping. Having stupidly missed the boat with your chances at sponging vast amounts of hard-working tax payers dosh, your hopes of continuing to enjoy guilt-free binge drinking and chain-smoking are somewhat dashed ARE THEY NOT!? I believe that Instant Redress (The tat shop that illegaly parks a rail of clothes on the double yellows) do an excellent ""Pre-pubescent Pregnant Chav-Slut"" costume, thoughtfully accessorised by: - a bag of fresh vomit (for spilling down your front early in the evening) - Mount Etna White-Head(TM) Acne stick-on spots - Amphetamine Dinner-Plate Pupils Contact Lenses (TM) - Stinking Mackerel Authentic Feminine Spray (TM) ...and to attempt to cover it up - Haze(TM) Peach Blossom Toilet Spray - and finally, yellow teeth-stainer. Once adorned by this outfit, not only will you be able to Sniff Glue, Smoke Fags, Happy slap OAPs and drink neat vodka direct from an Evian bottle whilst happily carrying your bundle of joy in your toxin-ridden body, but you will attract a suitable replacement husband within a matter of seconds. If one iota of shame should enter your drug-addled brain, this can be shot away with the thought that no matter how clean you could be living your life now, your child will still be floating in it's own feaces for a good couple of months before birth! NEXT!

Posted by Denzlepob_at_work, on 31-05-2007 10:10,

Dear Mr Rustic, what part of 99 Red Balloons was he dancing to? The quick bit or the slow bit? Cameras everywhere...........

Posted by shagsack, on 31-05-2007 19:05,

dunno if the doc's still busy mate, -last i heard he was called in to oversee the final stages of the new surgerys 'alternative therapy basement' where i hear he's going to be 'practicing' in a more hands-on way!

Posted by Carlito, on 01-06-2007 11:39,

Dearest Denzlepob_at_work My best advice to you is to carefully remove the seat of your trousers and consume nothing but porridge for 2 weeks without defecation. Now, timing is everything here Denzelpob so you must be extremely strong minded and refrain from defecation until you feel that you are in danger of fecal vomitting. When, as the saying goes your are ""touching cloth...at BOTH ends, attempt to force out your sizable stool. The stool should be of the correct size and consistency in order to cause a ""Full Thickness"" Anal Prolapse of at least 5 inches in diameter. This large, red, fleshy prolapse will protrude neatly through the hole in the seat of your trousers and act as a temporary rear light until you are able to dispose of your 80's scrambler and replace it with a more up to date model. Should you be unable to retract your prolapse at will, Nurse Scathing will be able to assist you with the help of her fine collection of rare Edwardian cutlery. NEXT! Dr. Malicious.

Posted by goccibos, on 01-06-2007 12:18,

......you know when you are a child and you are told something is wrong or not to do it, then you have the urge to do it anyway?! I have an unhealthy urge to search for porn at work! I know I will get the sack but I just can't resist. Also this infliction only happens at work, I need help quick before I do a www.bigboobsandbushes.com search!! HELP

Posted by Denzlepob_at_work, on 02-06-2007 18:44,

Is you saying I is Anal Lee Retentative? I still need a lens.

Posted by Carlito, on 06-06-2007 08:51,

Dearest Goccibos Although it is truly concerning that you link your barely-controlable urge to view pornography at your desk with a child-like need to break rules, I would suggest that you move desks and position yourself opposite the least attractive female in your office. I believe that Tzchibo can supply a range of digital vocal enhancers that fit discreetly into your inner ear. These devices can turn the dulcet tones of the RP accent to the searing aural sewerage of a Geordie whore. With any luck your new work companion will perch her vast hairy buttocks on the edge of her buckling office chair, legs apart, surrounding you with the heady aroma of her unchanged underwear, and drooling at you from across the sea of cuddly toy desk mascots. Nausea, I think you will find, will be the ultimate antidote to the ""horn"". In the event that you are unable to find such a 'beauty' in your office, I would heartily recommend that you bribe your IT Manager to gain their descretion in this area. You will find that, when plied with cash, most IT Managers will not only be very understanding, but may also offer you some useful links to get you started. NEXT! Dr. Malicious

Posted by Denzlepob_at_work, on 06-06-2007 09:51,

Dear Dr Malicious, will you be charging for evening visits like the NHS?

Posted by Rosieo6, on 06-06-2007 14:46,

Put message on here with the extra 3 mins ooaargh.

Posted by Denzlepob_at_work, on 07-06-2007 19:27,

Well I stiil ain't found that rear light light for my Yamaha IT250, you ain't all that.

Posted by goccibos, on 11-06-2007 08:03,

Dearest Bat You sound like just the person the Dr suggests I hook up with (see 34/36 above)......are you up for it? I can smeel the aroma from here......umm

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