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DOCTOR MALICIOUS

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Posted by Carlito, on 11-06-2007 10:52,

Dearest Goccibos With your healthy obsession with pornography, and The Bat's un-nerving enthusiasm for stealth firearms, I would only suggest that perhaps you two go into business together to form a new martial art. Porn-ammo perhaps? Dr. Malicious

Posted by The Bat, on 11-06-2007 10:54,

Dear Doctor M I want to be a woman, and I want to be called 'Cassandra'. I have experimented with women's clothing for several years now in anticipation of 'The Big Op'. Trouble is, I am built like a brick s**thouse and don't look good in halter tops and high heels. What do you suggest? ______________________________ Doctor Malicious replies... Dearest The Bat I can recommend a good trans-gender surgeon, the esteemed Dr. Manette Van Ladysack. He has pioneered in this field since Adolf Hitler was rescued from his bunker and miraculously transformed into a young and ambitious woman. 35 years later she/he became Britian's first female Priminster, Margaret Thatcher. In the meantime, and to satisfy your desire to convincingly parade yourself about in femine clothing, I would strongly suggest that you emmerse youself fully in the latex fetish. In a full latex cat suit complete with gimp mask and high heels, your sexual identity will remain a total mystery. You can combine this suit tastefully with French Maid outfits, or perhaps go for that secretarial look. You will also be able to use this suit in your role as Bridport's very own Chav-culling sniper, and could perhaps change your motto to ""One Hit, One Kill, Tight Crotch, Cheap Thrill."" Please see www.houseofharlot.com for a fine collection of Latex clothing used famously by ""celebrities"" such as Beyonce, Marilyn Manson, Charlotte Church, and the vomit-inducing STEPS. I will give your details to Dr. Manette Van Ladysack who will contact you shortly, in his own special way. Should you be unable to afford his rates, I can also recommend a hypnotist who specialises in hypnotising the wives of men who require castration, to enable them to perform the surgery themselves, and with the most basic of tools. NEXT!

Posted by goccibos, on 11-06-2007 13:22,

I was more interested in Bats cross dressing skills (40) but I suppose the Bat could hold my hand gun while I cock his rifle and polish the barrel....ummm Our first venture would be a website www.cocknbarrel.orgy Joining me Bat?

Posted by Rustic, on 14-06-2007 16:53,

Dear Doctor , I have just bought a second hand Roger Rabbit vibrating sex toy from Scope and I have to say that my life has been transformed. The only trouble is that being a man I can only really find one use for it and the A&E in Dorch are getting a bit sick of retrieving it for me. Any ideas?

Posted by Denzlepob_at_work, on 15-06-2007 07:25,

Any news on my rear light?

Posted by goccibos, on 15-06-2007 07:44,

I wondered where I lost it Rustic, perhaps you could join me and the Bat in a joint venture?!

Posted by Carlito, on 15-06-2007 12:24,

Dearest Rustic Yes, I could imaging that being devoid of bristles, the vibrating sex toy would make a rather precarious toothbrush, and would be prone to slipping down one's gullet (which, as a man, is what I expect you are referring to Rustic.) May I suggest that you use it for what it was intended for, which is ramming it with all your might deeply into your rectum in man's eternal search for the male G-Spot? Remember to ensure that your plumbing has been flushed thoroughly before-hand. You wouldn't want your search party to turn into some sort of sordid excavation now would you Rustic? Should you find yourself staring blankly at your ceiling, with your member in one hand and other one working furiously away at the rear, and come to that sudden realisation that your life may be worth more than this disgusting endeavor...here are a few alternative uses for a pre-worn Roger Rabbit Sex Toy: - Deep Throat Trainer (although a rolling pin would also suffice) - Whisk - Temporary manual car indicator - Classroom blackboard pointer - Tent Peg - Catapult (assuming the vibrator is of the ""finger and thumb"" variety). Should none of the above relieve you in any way, I would suggest that you Exhibit the toy, along with a Triptych of X-rays, showing the toy at various stages in your lower intestine, at the Allsop Gallery, Bridport Arts Centre. I would be fascinated to attend the private view. NEXT! Dr. Malicious

Posted by Carlito, on 15-06-2007 13:51,

Dearest Denzlepob_at_work I assume that you have been unable to sustain your prolapse and are still in need of a rear light for your Yamaha. Listen, dear patient, I am a Doctor, not an Autobitz Sales Assistant. Take your rear light request and insert it sideways into your urethral opening. NEXT! Dr. Malicious

Posted by Jam Mistress, on 26-06-2007 11:35,

I yesterday had my dog castrated and am now filled with a guilt-ridden hatred of myself as he pads around without his usual mirth and has stopped licking me. He has however stopped mounting my bitch - should this be enough of a saving grace to make me feel i have 'done the right thing'?

Posted by The Bat, on 26-06-2007 19:48,

Dear Doctor Malicious You are a git.

Posted by Carlito, on 27-06-2007 09:35,

PARENTAL ADVISORY - DISGUSTING CONTENT Dearest Jam Mistress The revolting mutilation of your hound is all your doing, and I would strongly suggest that you now beat yourself between the eyes with the severed organs until you begin to bleed from the nose. The searing pain, and overwhelming smell of decaying canine seminal fluid should effectively rid you of any guilt that you may be feeling. And no Jam Mistress, you haven't done the ""right thing"", you have denied your bitch her regular filling (as I have once heard it called). This is DESPICABLE behaviour, and I can only imagine what your husband may have to do in order to satisfy the bitch, in the absence of your dog's testicles. NEXT! Dr. Malicious HEAVILY EDITED

Posted by Carlito, on 28-06-2007 09:45,

Dearest Editor May I please be so bold as to suggest that if you are going to start heavily editing my advice, perhaps you would look back through the catalogue of comments and see what you have deemed worthy for publishing in the past. Having seem these symtoms before, it is obvious that you are suffering from a selective strain of short-term memory loss. NEXT! Dr. Malicious

Posted by Rustic, on 04-07-2007 05:41,

Dear Doctor I am suffering from a dose of heavy editing. I sent in a question for you last week about a certain throbbing member I found in my pants and its sunsequent homemade treatment and it was so heavily edited it didn't even make it to the page. Is this a wide spread epidemic or just localised to foul mouthed dirty thinkers like me and pathalogical weirdos like you

Posted by Carlito, on 04-07-2007 11:16,

Dearest Rustic It reminds of a time in my distant youth. Bavaria in those days was a prosperous region of Germany. Although rural, the farming was intense, and sustained much of the nation's agricultural needs well into the 1st world war. I lived alone in a disused windmill that I had converted into a young scientist's secret grotto. All of the fruits of my labour were around me. The old windmill powered all of my machinery; My first automatic circumcision device, my ""mad-gunmen"" rifle rest and automatic reloader (known as the ""mad gunmen"" thanks to it's indiscriminate movement), my electrified hamster cage (very popular) and my most controversial discovery, a lotion that when applied to the hands will subtly change colour on contact with a 3rd party, on the detection of deviance and perversion. Allow me to explain. You would apply a clear gel-like substance to your hands, which is absorbed into your skin. On shaking hands with a fellow German, your hand would remain normal, if the fellow German was a virtuous chap. Should he be a disgusting, amoral and perverted excuse for a god-fearing crout, your hand would turn to a very slight shade of orange. This lotion was used widely by the clergy for the ordination of new bishops, by the Polizei when handling suspects, by the German army for recruiting new troops. This is where the problems began. A new, ever popular army general was gaining more and more support and I was called to advise on a new method for cracking enemy communications by means of a cipher device. On greeting him, my hands did not turn orange. They turned red, and they burned, they burned and they burned. Large blisters formed within a matter of minutes and I could do no more but to scream in pain. Heir Hitler had me sent to the infirmary where I was questioned on the source of my apparent ailment. I refused to answer, and was tortured within an inch of the torturer's wife, who enjoyed watching me suffer. To this day, I have been unable to pass a stool without colonic irrigation. I was finally released when I reluctantly agreed to destroy all documentation regarding the lotion, and look that evil man in the eye and promise NEVER to tell this tale, that now I am giving to you Rustic. Coming back to the point, censorship, limitation and control were the foundations of Nazi Germany and many other dictatorships, and here we are 70 years older, and supposedly 70 years wiser, and still being censored by a democratically elected goverment, who's policies still filter down to the editor's of this website. They will publish the most disgusting advice I can muster, and at the same time censor the occasional taboo word. We must remember Rustic, that there is no such thing as the truth. Everything in the media has been censored. Everything on the wwweb has had to be typed by someone, recorded by someone, who chose to show what is shown and what is not. Even ""face to face"", the last hope for truth, the portrayer can choose to say or not say what they feel. This in itself is censorship. There is no truth, and we are bound by versions of it. The question is, Rustic, which version do you want to believe? NEXT! Dr. Malicious

Posted by Sprockley, on 30-07-2007 15:32,

Dearest Dr Malicious, I thank you for your earlier advice and now feel it is time to update you on the problem of my boyfriends enormous appendige! As advised I tried slicing it in half with a cat tin lid, although to my amazement it grew back in an hour to twice its original size. I really do feel that the beast is a seperate organism to the rest of his body. Last night it tried to beat me horribly whilst I was snoozing on the sofa! My boyfriend however was fast asleep at the time and unaware of what his beast was doing! This is your fault Dr Malicous! Please put it right. Perhaps a home visit might be in order! Awaiting your professional help! Sprockley

Posted by tuzo, on 31-07-2007 23:06,

nothing silly in trying to point out an oxymoron, unless of course it is to a regular moron, then its pointless (C.21)

Posted by The Bat, on 01-08-2007 06:14,

Dear Doctor Malicious The thread on Bridport Radio entitled 'SUNNY WEATHER DAZE' has a photo of a blonde lady trying to smoke an extra large tampon. Could you give me her name and telephone number please?

Posted by Carlito, on 01-08-2007 16:19,

Dearest The Bat I am sure that the Editor may be able to assist with your contact request. (It's Paris Hilton - I think she lives up H Bloc - Ed) But I must underline that there are easier ways find women into Menstrual Haematophilia... Why not conduct your own survey this weekend in Bucky-Doo Square? NEXT! Dr. Malicious

Posted by goccibos, on 02-08-2007 10:39,

Dear Dr, an update for my records; On your advice (36) I toured the array of Tzchibo quality items on offer. Instead of going for what you suggested I happened upon an executive desktop ""quick one off the wrist"" device which has cured me of my porn adiction and keeps my colleagues amused at the same time. Thanks again Doc So when you feel the horn reach for the Tzchibo ""quick one off the wrist""... quality at your fingertips. For quick, long lasting results.

Posted by The Bat, on 03-08-2007 21:55,

Dear Doctor Capricious Can you advise me who won the design a Mikkimug competition which was supposed to end on the 31st of July????? PS. You're a git.

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