NEW LABOURISM (Alt): You have two cows. The government introduces a tax incentive to encourage conversion to sheep farming. You sell your two cows and buy four sheep. Next year the government says “look at how many new sheep farms have been created under our stewardship”. Next year the government says “you only bought the sheep for the tax break”, and so they introduce a sheep tax and take away one of your sheep. Next year the government brings in a team of management consultants to see if you are farming your sheep efficiently, a team of statisticians to analyse the results, a media consultant to present the results to you and a sheep regulator to fine you if you don’t follow their recommendations. You have to sell a sheep to meet the extra costs and the consultants get a knighthood for their contribution to farming. Next year the government votes itself a pay increase and a better pension and reduces local government funding to pay for it. Your local government then has to introduce a local sheep tax and takes away one of your sheep. Next year the government says “there is a severe shortage of cows in the UK”. They introduce a Private Finance Initiative that gives you the use of two cows. Under the private finance initiative you will be paying interest on the cows for the rest of your life. Next year the government says “when we came to power you only had two cows, now you have two cows and a sheep” – you look into your field and try to work out why you feel poorer. When you die you leave your “herd” to your children. As you kept the field gate closed to stop the herd drifting away, the government take away one of your sheep in tax.
Posted by tuzo, on 30-01-2007 16:10,
""Scummerfields"" or ""Scummers"" - a class local supermarket ""Botulism counter"" - sales counter/goods esp at Scummerfields ""Bridders"" - our town and the centre of the universe ""a pint of Red"" - a brain bending cider, usually served at the Hope (also see Hopless W****r) ""Hopeless W****r"" - local public house, usually after too much Red ""shrooms"" - fungal bodies that get the good people of bridders out into the hills each autumn
Posted by tuzo, on 31-01-2007 02:32,
""I recken"" = It is possible or I'm off down the beach.
Posted by Sprockley, on 31-01-2007 11:18,
wearing frocks and swanning around waving? you would not be repressing something there? I wouldnt worry too much lots of people do it... Our latest celeb(?) chef export to the US opened his restaurant to rave reviews... menu..English Fox, game chips, gooseberry compote and a complimentary bottle of Lacryma Christi 2002. Now if you still have that gun..I am sure I could find a recipe for over exposed, overpaid cooks?
Posted by mrplanet, on 31-01-2007 12:35,
children with snotty noses, especially when their parents neglect to wipe it for them, as if they can't see it!
Posted by mrplanet, on 31-01-2007 19:32,
God will smite those who malign Pope Benyllin 93rd, previously known as Cardinal Ratfinger. At least he does not denounce infidels and suggest that they should be wiped from the earth.
Posted by goccibos, on 31-01-2007 19:41,
Why do they always have Buy one get one free offers on gallon jars of Picked onions or other items which people only use occasionally.Another thing, the cunning sods always have special offers on certain flavours or varieties of products like crisps, sauces or drinks and then intermingle them with varieties which are not on offer. They also pile extremely similar items close by, so as to fool you into buying a full price product; "" 500g jar of ""cooking sauce for roadkill"" which is on special offer ,is put next to 600g jar of the same product which is at full price. Why, when something is on "" Buy one get one free"" offer, do you always find a solitary pack or jar left on the shelf.
Posted by dragon, on 02-02-2007 12:31,
So glad i ain't the only one Brengirl! Reading the above I can only assume the men in white coats are on their way or labour are using this article to 'cover up bad news(ie our primeminister being arrested twice!) Maybe The Bat could be 'not guilty'of doing away with him instead?
Posted by tuzo, on 05-02-2007 23:36,
What a load of old twaddle. The how it works bit is not any government proposal but something dreamed up by the BBC as in "" The data was processed according to a road charging model drawn up by transport expert Professor Stephen Glaister of Imperial College, London."" So why not have a bit of scaremongering to wind up the terminally stupid ? Much as when the minimum wage was suggested. Millions would be thrown out of jobs and the economy would collapse. The same baseless whinging was around when the selt belt law was proposed as was when the breathalyser was brought in. Thankfully those charged with the task of sorting out transport in the next couple of decades appear to be putting a bit more thought into what they are doing than was has gone into regugitating this urban myth. And before you bleat out I've no more idea what they come up will work but I will at least wait and see what they are actually proposing rather than wet my knickers over what some second year media student on work experience has cobbled up for the BBC. Remember how there was going to be no gas last winter and we were all going to die of bird flu. "" ere, you from Bridport I've got this moon in a bucket of water, wanna buy it ? ""
Posted by chesilbank, on 06-02-2007 11:04,
cofee drinking landlords who feign surpise when people get drunk?
Posted by skelliton_hand, on 12-02-2007 13:21,
Gulls thrive on the refuse of humans. If we cant reduce the amount of refuse (gull food)the only answer is to reduce the number of humans in Bridport. A cull of grockles maybe?
Posted by chesilbank, on 12-02-2007 16:53,
I was thouroughly dismayed when building works began on what was once pleasent tranquil fields out of town. Now we have some disgusting ' Disney Castles ' as one passenger said of them on our ways to Dorchester itself, well, thats what they look like, Disney castles. I would have preferred if Bonny Prince Charlie did not come hear to plan a misguided architectural nightmare for us to look at, nevermind the expence, but now it's too late and, we'r stuck with it, and more buildings are springing up gobbling whatever land is left, and we've been had and overulled by this monstrosity making us feel powerless to stop it.
Posted by Carlito, on 15-02-2007 07:14,
What you are all failing to realise is that any successful town intrinsically has the need to expand in order to accommodate its emergent populace. Keynes, the eminent economist who reached the pinnacle of his accomplishment in the early seventies, pointed out that the immobility of labour is a key aspect of staggering economic growth within a potentially viable community. Therefore, any viable and emergent community has the need to offer long-term incentives to attract the absent operatives into the labour market. The fact that the style of architecture is crap is neither here nor there. What do you expect from a bloke who’s best friends are house plants and has a wife who looks like a bloke?
Posted by Carlito, on 15-02-2007 09:41,
Chesilbank if we were separated at birth then that explains the huge unsightly scar down my left side! Re. smoking, there are two kinds of people in this world. People who smoke, and people who complain about it. When the ban comes in to play, indoor areas at bars will become the moral high-ground, dotted with lonely non-smoker/sensible drinker-types; whereas the newly built, plush, outdoor heated, interestingly decorated, custom-made ""smoking gardens"" will be a hive of social activity. Non-smokers will find themselves peerless and have to engage in boring non-smoker conversations about bio-desiel and reusable nappies. July 1st isn't the start of ""the ban"", it's the start of a huge social divide. Let battle commence!!!
Posted by chesilbank, on 15-02-2007 13:38,
Do you think HRH head in the sand is interested in us yokels and our views??? No, Send for the butler to bring me another gin. I think she looks more like a horse than a bloke.
Posted by Ivor Bigun, on 15-02-2007 19:37,
Carlito i must have made a mistake, we can't have been seperated at birth as you say the scar is on your left side, i, as usual, am on the right side. I look forward to the start of the smoking ban when you and you stinking friends can sit outside the pub in your little room coughing your guts up and slowly killing yourselves. I am a little confused in your answer to Skelliton when you say, and i quote,your just afraid of fresh air, get out there, fill those lungs! i'm more than happy to fill my lungs with fresh air, not the crap you smokers breath out, you've had it your way too long, it's time for a change, BRING ON THE BAN.
Posted by chesilbank, on 15-02-2007 20:37,
Its now slowly coming to everyones attention that becoming a politicion is all about how quick you can get into a position of power, and then fleece the tax payer of all that is due to them whilst not letting them know what your doing. A little bit of tax here,take a little away there and then retire to a cushty job in Brussels before anyone knows !! There's more crooks in the commons than in our jails today.
Posted by Carlito, on 16-02-2007 11:55,
Yes, I agree. Horse-bloke is a fair description. Having seen the item on breakfast tv about school cooks meeting said HRH up in that London or some such exotic location I was willing a cheeky chef to take on the cause ""Now then Chaz, what you playing at with this Poundbury lark then"", but no such luck. I saw the pointy tower thing in progress as I drove by, Looks like it's going to be a supermarket, or a pigeon loft maybe. Possible a refuge for abused fruit and house plants or a new home for the sea gulls of Bridport who are in shock from the beauty (ha) of the development at West Bay. On the subject of horses I would have to say not a favourite pony club type horse. More a good solid farm horse???.
Posted by Chief Wigam, on 16-02-2007 13:22,
ha, I guess it was written by you Charlie after reading the first sentence!
Posted by chesilbank, on 16-02-2007 14:11,
Most smokers seem to think they are special in some way, so, we should make them feel special. Perhaps they should all wear yellow hats??. Large numbers seem unable to read or understand 'no smoking' signs. Perhaps nicotine softens the brain???.
